rise my puppets, its time for a new era.

Today

2011-10-31T16:48:00.001+08:00

We walked past each other like complete strangers.. Werent you the one that wanted to be friends badly? ...now you dont even wanna look at me.. Pain..

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just this time

2011-10-30T12:55:00.001+08:00

sorry i lied.

but i can only love you for so long..

i wanna be your friend too.

maybe not your best friend but.. a good one?

sorry..

please don't be cold to me anymore..

i can only love you for so long..

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The last wish.

2011-10-29T00:47:00.001+08:00

and after I give you the present sealed with love.."

i wanted to tell you..

that I want you to remember this moment...

i will look into your eyes deeply and ask you to close your eyes..

and I will whisper,

beebee, ...... byebye.

and when you open your eyes,

i'll vanish entirely.

this time for sure... i can be the cool person i keep trying to be..

I really wish I could let go of you too. I wish I could be strong. I wish I could stop harrassing you..

that time for sure..

I will be.

If you could see this, can you prepare yourself?

As in.. can you prepare to tell me? I really really wanna hear you say all those nice stuff again.. I really really need to hear them again.. I really wanna feel like I matter..

Will you miss me? When im really gone?

I wont force you to say that you love me, that you really missed me this nearly 2 weeks, that you wanted to tell me and msg me but you didnt.. that you think about me, that you care about me, that I mean so much to you. that you couldnt bear for me to go but you have to. that it is painful for you too..

I wont force you.. but I really wish to hear it.. I really really do...
Please don't force yourself if you cant..

Because I like the truthful you :') My honest snail dino :))

Because I really love you. Thats why im making all this fuss..., because... only by doing these my heart will really seal.. and by doing what I really really wanna do and say to you, I will really really give you up.

I love you thats why Im trying my best to let you go.. so please, don't ever say that im just doing what I want.. because what i want is probably harrass you forever..

I don't want that... thats why I'm doing all these things so that I can let go...

Its like suicide. I might seem like im doing all these for myself.. but no.. i'm doing it for you. I don't want to harrass you and hurt you anymore. Because I will. Look at me now. I can't survive a day without msging you. So now by doing all these its like attempting suicide..

Do you understand why I have to do it now? Idk I can't explain but.. ya.. it was never intended the way you thought.. you assumed wrongly too..

wow btw when i say "Idk I can't explain but.. ya." I sound like you! hahah!

I wish you could hold me in your arms and tell me all the sweet stuff you have once said.. that will be the final and best dream.. or even just a "bee, i will never be able to forget you" will be enough.. atakai... :) (blissful smile)

Hold me. Till the sun sets and we part our separate ways, with only our footsteps to prove that we were once there. Along with the smiles and tears we shed along the way..

I love you. more than i can ever say.. more than i can ever show.. more than anything else. i love you so much that i'm willing to risk myself, to let you enjoy the happiness you deserve. i'm stupid, but proud to be :) at least, i loved someone so much more than i imagined i could. and he too, did loved me more than he ever did.

baby, hold me cuz before you notice, i'll be gone without a trace.

Please, take my love away. Treasure them. I think you will find them quite useful along the painful thorns of life..

and after I give you the present sealed with love.."

i wanted to tell you..

that I want you to remember this moment...

i will look into your eyes deeply and ask you to close your eyes..

and I will whisper,

beebee, ...... byebye.

and when you open your eyes,

i'll vanish entirely.

Because, this time.. for sure.

It'll be the last.

Ti Amo..

Until we meet again,
Adios.

Posted via email from city of boredom

Trying my best..

2011-10-27T22:30:00.001+08:00

What am i supposed to say when the best part of me is always you.

Wanna know something?
Loving you is the Second Best thing I ever did..
.
..
...
Because..
Finding you is the First. :)

Eunice told me today that actually a lot of people told her that you and me look compatible with each other. Like we got the couple look and we look very sweet together.. She say she thought that way too and still doesnt get why we have to break up, it makes no sense at all..

yea, idk why either...

why..?

I miss you.. didn't msg you much today.. I miss you so much...
do you miss me too? I feel terrible, with wr with everything. I can't do anything.. I fail in everything... Love family school.. :(

Are you worried about me slightly?

"People always think that when you sleep together, there’s always something that is happening in between the sheets and the bed. But let me tell you, It’s not always like that. The feeling of actually hugging each other until you fall asleep, the warmth of each other’s breath, and the total happiness in the morning when you wake up right beside them. Everything may sound so good to be true, but sometimes it takes a lot of responsibility and love to be able to be as wholesome as possible. Sleeping with your special someone is one of the most heartwarming experiences you’ll ever have. No nothing, simply hugging and smiling yourself to sleep."

What happened bee.. :( I love you.... you used to love me so much too.. so much...
just what is love? isnt it supposed to be simple? I think about you all the time, i wonder what you do, i miss you etc? ... :'( today is really an awful day for me.. I ran away from the classroom and hid in one corner and cried.......

then i called you...

Something to let you smile :)

Its so hard to pretend I dont care because I think about you 24/7...
I ate utah today and I wanted to bring it to you so much :((
I miss buying and sharing food with you and seeing your happy face.. Everyone says we look so sweet together...

I really miss you... can you tell me you do too? ..

This dinosaur is nearly extinct.. gonna disappear from your world soon.. after giving you the presents..

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怕。

2011-09-22T21:14:00.001+08:00

不要期待就不会失望

不要问你不想知道的答案

要装不知道真的好难好难。

很开心

可是开心到，好怕。

原来孤单寂寞是这么可怕的。

原来我这么害怕你离开。。

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Sorry.

2011-08-12T18:13:00.001+08:00

Haven't been here for the longest time.
In this duration I have fallen in love, almost fell out, and now half half and confused.
I wish I won't fall out though.
I wish he'll still want me in the end.
Really hurt me when he said
" I can't see a future with you "
Well, guess in some ways he was right.
My temper and attitude is untoleratable.
Like my sis said, i'm changing.
But not fast or good enough.
I'm taking small turtle steps, which is slow and not useful.

So now i'm trying my best to leap as a hare.
And I really hope you stay
because my world's a better place when you are around.

Really like this btw,
"The truth in love is that you are bound to get hurt, you just have to figure out who is worth the pain. However pain is never a reason to let go, because love without pain is just a game."
thats right.
Don't be afraid of the pain.
Don't be afraid of getting hurt.
Because without pain love is just a game.
I swear I won't let you get hurt again.
I swear I won't hurt you again.
I swear that everything I did or done that hurt you wasn't intended.
And I'll be there to catch you protect you and love you.

Maybe one reason why I refused to let you go,
isn't because i'm selfish and I don't want you to be happy.
More like I still think I can make you happy,
and i'm very afraid that the girl after me will be worse than me.
Yes I have flaws and problems,
but one thing's for sure, my love ain't replaceable.
Its hard to find someone out there that loves you the way I do
With all my heart. I really do.
Someone who doesn't love you cherish you or treasure you
don't deserve you.
But if one day you really found someone who loves you more and is better than me,
... I'll let you go.
With a smile in my face :')
I will.
Because I am sure you'll be happy.
Until then.. please stay. And let me shower you with love..
Love that a guy like you deserve..
You have been hurt too much, let me share your burden.
Please.

If only you could be me for one day,
then you will know how much you matter to me.
And still do.
Thought I'll never love someone like this,
but i did. And it hurts.
Hell it hurts.
But if it disappears, it'll hurt tons more. And more.

Baby I love you not because I need you
but I need you because I love you.

If only by someway somehow you knew how I feel.
If only.

I love you.

Posted via email from city of boredom

Just for you

2011-08-12T17:58:00.001+08:00

love you and just you.
I don’t mind what others say or think
I just wanna be with you

So please
If you love me too,
if you can’t bear to leave too,
please stay by my side
and leave our past behind.

Because I love you more than I can say
and I need you more than I can imagine.

Please don’t go.
Lets just love each other
and don’t complicate things
Just the both of us
Simple and free

Maybe there is no such thing as forever
but at least we can be together for a long long time

The future’s too far to see
who knows what might happen tomorrow
So lets just think about now
just cherish and hold me now
Because I love you and you love me.

- To my dearest love.
I love you
My dear beebee

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black love

2011-03-25T14:09:00.001+08:00

i'm sorry

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My personality

2011-03-10T20:48:00.001+08:00

So yea, today suddenly went to research again on my personality, INTP.

Quite interesting actually, from personalitypage.com
So yea, as an INTP, i'm a thinker :D
Here are some interesting stuffs abt me :

Strengths
Generally laid-back and easy-going, willing to defer to their mates
Approach things which interest them very enthusiastically
Richly imaginative and creative
Do not feel personally threatened by conflict or criticism
Usually are not demanding, with simple daily needs

Weakness

Not naturally in tune with others' feelings; slow to respond to emotional needs
Not naturally good at expressing their own feelings and emotions
Tend to be suspicious and distrusting of others
Not usually good at practical matters, such as money management, unless their work involves these concerns
They have difficulty leaving bad relationships
Tend to "blow off" conflict situations by ignoring them, or else they "blow up" in heated anger

INTPs generally have the following traits:

Love theory and abstract ideas
Truth Seekers - they want to understand things by analyzing underlying principles and structures
Value knowledge and competence above all else
Have very high standards for performance, which they apply to themselves
Independent and original, possibly eccentric
Work best alone, and value autonomy
Have no desire to lead or follow
Dislike mundane detail
Not particularly interested in the practical application of their work
Creative and insightful
Future-oriented
Usually brilliant and ingenius
Trust their own insights and opinions above others
Live primarily inside their own minds, and may appear to be detached and uninvolved with other people

Possible Career Paths for the INTP:

Scientists - especially Physics, Chemistry
Photographers
Strategic Planners
Mathematicians
University Professors
Computer Programmers, Systems Analysts, Computer Animation and Computer Specialists
Technical Writers
Engineers
Lawyers / Attorneys
Judges
Forensic Research
Forestry and Park Rangers

INTP Relationships

INTPs live rich worlds inside their minds, which are full of imagination and excitement. Consequently, they sometimes find the external world pales in comparison. This may result in a lack of motivation to form and maintain relationships. INTPs are not likely to have a very large circle of significant relationships in their lives. They're much more likely to have a few very close relationships, which they hold in great esteem and with great affection. Since the INTP's primary focus and attention is turned inwards, aimed towards seeking clarity from abstract ideas, they are not naturally tuned into others' emotional feelings and needs. They tend to be difficult to get to know well, and hold back parts of themselves until the other person has proven themselves "worthy" of hearing the INTP's thoughts. Holding Knowledge and Brain Power above all else in importance, the INTP will choose to be around people who they consider to be intelligent. Once the INTP has committed themself to a relationship, they tend to be very faithful and loyal, and form affectionate attachments which are pure and straight-forward. The INTP has no interest or understanding of game-playing with regards to relationships. However, if something happens which the INTP considers irreconciliable, they will leave the relationship and not look back.

CIAOSSU! BYE! :D

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Guilt

2011-01-05T17:37:00.001+08:00

Gemini:
Your heart is going pitter-pat, Gemini, and you're tempted to escape into a romantic fantasyland in which you play the starring role. The bad news is that something may be trying to hold you back today. It could be that your conscience is coming on the scene to remind you that work needs to be done before you can go off into your own little fairytale world.

What needs to be done? So that my conscience is free?

Adios, guilty.

Posted via email from city of boredom

i'm sorry.

2010-12-27T15:03:00.001+08:00

i'm sorry my darling.
im sorry my love.

maybe last year I needed you.
I was lost, lonely and very anti-society.
I hated this world.
And then I met you,
you brought light into my world.

maybe last year you needed me,
you needed someone to love you and care for you the way I do
to show you that someone out there still loves you
Still wants to spend their entire life with you
And then you met me
I showed and showered you with great love

but

maybe this year he needed me
he is lost, and didn't cared about the world.
he didn't had the right people.
He needed a good person to bring him back on track,
to vegetarian,
to continue joining.
And then he met me,
someone he unexpectly fell in love with
someone he suddenly cared about
someone that had a boyfriend

maybe this year i needed him
I am happy,
contented,
but felt insecure and couldn't trust you any longer
because you lied
because you broke the ultimate promise
and you left me.
So even though you're back,
half of my love isn't here.
because its still crying, still back where you left it.
I tried to forget
I tried to believe.
I'm a stupid girl.
And then I met him,
one who loves me without asking for anything in return
one who cares and concerns and is sensitive to my feelings
one who didn't wanted to break us up
one who wanted to leave so we'll still be together.
how can i hurt such a sweet thing?
this is the first time i felt that i don't need to love a lot to be loved.

maybe this year you didn't needed me
you have tons of friends that keep you happy
you have already abandoned me once and felt nothing much
you probably won't even try to chase after me
you might be tired of my bad points
even without me you'll do great,
because girls queue up for you
probably girls better than me.

but my love,
i really love you.
i don't know what to do.
but i cant trust you
i cant believe you
i feel insecure with you.

if you're okay with all my insecurities and doubt,
maybe we'll do okay..
because i still love you.
i'm not sure if i'll ever love him,
but for now i still love you a lot.
you and him are not the same
so please do not feel sorry or compare.
because you're my first love.

My first love.
my first kiss.
my first hug.
my first soulmate.

and you're irreplaceable.

But maybe god thinks he needs me more.

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女孩

2010-10-22T11:27:00.001+08:00

女孩子並不在乎你有沒有錢，

她在乎的是你會不會發奮努力改變現狀；

女孩子並不在乎與你生活在一起會遇到困難，

她在乎的是你會不會迎難而上，不逃避；

女孩子並不在乎你長得有多帥，

她在乎的是你能不能給她足夠的安全感；

女孩子並不在乎你跟你的異性朋友有多好，

她在乎的是你能不能一心一意對她好；

女孩子並不在乎你送她的禮物有多貴，

她在乎的是你會不會時常給她個驚喜；

Posted via email from city of boredom

:'(

2010-09-14T16:42:00.001+08:00

i'll always love you.. can't we be like before?

See and download the full gallery on posterous

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Follow it.

2010-09-14T16:26:00.001+08:00

Follow your heart.

Follow the heart that loves me and doesn't want to leave me.

If your heart has ever hesitated,

your heart has ever fluttered for me,

and wondered if this was the right thing to do....

Follow your heart.

Not your brain.

And promise you will reconsider again.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If you want me back its easy. Just tell me to stay.

Don't go my dear. Please don't leave me.

Posted via email from city of boredom

not here.

2010-09-14T16:03:00.001+08:00

So yea, been busy with...
okay whatever. I just didn't feel like blogging okay. anyway this is probably the longest lasting blog of mine. I seriously ought to be studying now but i'm so tired. Haiz.

So here's the interesting thing. I thought I was the only problematic girl in the world. That people who love me are damned to suffer. But I realise... not. So i've got the major mood swings, overeacting instincts and likes to worry, doubt and get jealous easily. But who doesn't? If you love the person you love, you will act the same way!

Well at least, I found out geminis react this way. It's not my fault I act this way.. It's not my fault I have split personalities. But you have to know, that is what makes me interesting and unpredictable. Your life has never had a dull moment with me right?

"I’m not the best person to fall in love with. I get jealous easily, I have a lot of insecurities, I overanalyze, I push you to the edge, I get hurt when I’m not supposed to, I always put up unecessary fights.. But regardless of that, you have to know you still have reasons to hold on. You must know that you are cherished, treasured, and always thought of every minute of everyday. That you are the most important person to someone who may not be that special, but you thought otherwise. I may not be the best, but I will make up for it by loving you more than anyone can and ever will. Thank you for staying."

-unknown

I need you here. Right here with me. When you're around the world seemed like a better place to live in. I didn't wanted to die. I wanted to study hard for you.. for our future. I wanted to make you the happiest man in the whole wide world. I wanted you to look back in our life when we're old and say , " hey dear, thanks for everything. I was glad I chose you."

No couple has no problems. We are the same as everyone else. Because nobody is perfect. I'm not perfect and you're not perfect. You should give us time to sort it out.. give us time to learn and accept each other. In fact, if you look close enough, we have more similarities than differences! If we don't match, then a lot of couples in this world are worse matches!

"Not because he was perfect, or because you were, but because your combined flaws were arranged in a way that allowed two separate beings to hinge together."

We can be like that too..

I love you more than I can say and ever explain.

If you love me don't let me go. Because you can't be sure you can love someone else as much again. Does it occur to you that I might be the only person you truly love, and that if you let go you might lose me... forever? I might never return again. never.

I want to recapture what we used to have.

How can I do that... when you're no longer here?

[[posterous-content:pid___0]]

Posted via email from city of boredom

roses or thorns?

2010-06-30T18:21:00.001+08:00

so much things to say.. so much things I wanted to do, ... but the moment I see your tired and sian face, I just can't seem to remember the words I wanted to tell you...

I'm sorry I can't make you happy.

I was tired, but I still wanted to get here so much. Wanted to complain to you about this and that,,, but the moment you see me you just give me the sian diao attitude. I just wanted to make you happy..

It doesn't matter how shack I am, I've waited the whole day for this! And yet... you seem not to care.

It doesn't matter how busy I am, How much homework I need to complete, I just want to spend time with you! And yet... you can't even smile for me.

Ever heard of the quote, " Life is not a bed of roses, it is a sea of thorns " ?

Its not true.. life IS a bed of roses....
just that it has thorns in them..

Sometimes if you're lucky, you'll lie on beautiful and nice smelling roses..

Sometimes when you're not, you'll be pierced by the thorns.

The thorns and the roses are always there, and they even grow with you..

The roses get prettier and rosier, .. the thorns get sharper and thicker.

They'll be there. Until you die.

You either die blissfully, in the midst of roses,...

Or you'll get devoured by the thorns, and die in pain.

That's life.

But you don't care right?

ciaossu.

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THE WORLD HAS CHANGED

2010-06-22T16:19:00.001+08:00

I feel old when I look at my junior's pictures. And fed up with all the other pictures I see.

I mean, what's with the world now? Kids aged 13 or 14 are like going about into relationships. I mean wth is up with that? They still have baby fats and are like shorter than me a few heads...yet they go around hugging one another and think its 'love'.

But that isn't really what i'm pissed off with..
Girls. Of all ages.. especially young ones...

Wtf .They are going around with clothes that show half their breasts and they think its sexy and cool..What are they trying to do, get themselves screwed? I mean ya, i'm being harsh here.. but its their results of doing these things! Why are there so many rapists now?

Its like so depressing to see them like this. They are like letting guys see them like its so easy, and making their worth so low. But they are not fully to be blamed. GUYS are to be blamed. What is with the 'chio' thing they say??

TO THEM, only girls who show their legs and lots of skins are chio. Girls with long hair and lots of make up are chio. Girls who play sports and show off their boobs are chio. AND that causes girls to be who they are now. Look around.. Nowadays girls look all the same. The korean girls in bands to me are like totally same person. I cannot tell the difference.

These plastic girls are teaching girls to be plastic, and make them follow their own footsteps..teaching them stuff that used to be taboo ; plastic surgery is acceptable; you must be DAMN thin to be chio; you must act cute, guys like act cute de; you must wear mini skirts and shorts that are more than 10 cm above your knee, its hot; wearing high heels is very sexy; must wear tight fit clothes that squeezes your body and look hour-glass like; girls with no make up is noob; wear push-up bra....

omg so much wrong things they teach! Where can you find a girl who only cares about their inside and not their outside? They are almost extinct!

Be gone are the days when virtues and manners where the most important.. where girls wear skirts that covers their knee. And the rule to " show as little as possible".

One day I was walking back home and I suddenly saw this girl with big breast, high heels , make up and wear those sexy sexy dress which is above the knee alot[almost see butt]. And is taller than me [cause of heels] Then I was like "woah". then after that I suddenly realise why she look so familiar. SHE IS MY NEIGHBOUR. AROUND 12 , 13 YEARS OLD. OMFG. [ and mind you, she is so much shorter than me, and she is a kid with a flat chest < still young] seriously.. OMFG.

Cannot take it le. the world is so messed up. EVEN FO TANG PPL ALSO SIA! I mean i got prove. In fo tang they like damn guai and all those crap. BUT they outside [look at their facebook pics] LOOK NO DIFFERENT FROM OUTSIDE PPL! One time I went pizza hut to eat pizza and I was bored. [in cck] So i looked down at all the cck ppl outside the mrt. I realised most were wearing mini shorts, so out of boredom I counted how many there were... In the short amount of time that I ate my pizza, I counted more than 100+ girls! I stopped because it was too much to calculate...

And I'm really tired of hearing my cousin talk about how this girl so pretty, that girl so slim, that girl has grown prettier, that girl better than me, that girl got nice hair, that girl so chio etc. THEY ARE ALL FAKE. CAN YOU NOT SEE? WHY ALL THE FAKE PPL ARE THE BEST NOW? WHY DO THEY BECOME IDOLS AND ROLE MODELS FOR GIRLS NOW? WHY DO YOU WANT TO BE LIKE THEM?

THEY ARE NOTHING BUT BARBIE DOLLS. IN A PLASTIC WORLD.

haiz. grow up. do not be bounded by the materialistic world... or you'll never ever get out of it. And no matter how much you have, you will still think that it is not enough, or NOT GOOD enough. they are poison.

ciaossu

Posted via web from city of boredom

WTF

2010-06-06T20:26:00.001+08:00

Seriously I try so hard not to get angry.

But things always happen and make me upset.

I hate the way his messages aren't clear. I hate it when they are like not specific and holds unclear meanings. I ask him something and he msgs me back " msg you ltr" . wtf? Can;t you use THAT msg to answer my question instead??

You can stay awake all night till 4 or 5am for another girl. I dont wanna say who.
You can stay awake till 2am for your freaking stupid "mei". NOT JUST ONCE BUT TWICE.

I woke up in pain in the middle of the night at 3. You only msged me less than 10 minutes then you fell asleep. THANKS.

Due to that heartache and the pain, I only fall asleep at 5! AND when you msged me at 7, I WOKE UP IMMEDIATELY.

So why can't you do the same for me?! I DON'T UNDERSTAND! MAKE ME UNDERSTAND WHY WHY WHY WHY!

You could do it for some bitch; your ex, BUT NOT FOR ME?? You know how sad and lost I feel during the 2 hours in pain? I felt like something in my heart broke. Something in me broke.

I don't get it.

And you don't try to make me understand. You just shut up and expect me to 'cool down'. wtf? I WANT YOU TO UNDERSTAND! HOW CAN I COOL DOWN; HOW CAN I CLEAR THE MISUNDERSTANDINGS, THE DOUBTS, IF YOU DON'T FREAKING EXPLAIN THEM?!!!!!!

Thanks. You make things A LOT BETTER when you just ignore and keep quiet. That is supposed to help us get along?! ITS seriously making me more pissed off.

You just keep making me sad with the ignorings and the meetings and your friends.

WHERE AM I IN YOUR LIFE NOW.

I seriously wanna cry.

Posted via web from city of boredom

Tired

2010-06-05T22:44:00.001+08:00

tired of chasing after your footsteps... why can't you chase mine for once?

Honestly, is other stuff more important then me? Is it hard to sacrifice a few dollars and a few minutes just for me?? Am I worth that little in your heart that your stupid camp meetings are SO much more precious?! Wtf is with a 13 hour camp planning meeting anyway? Dumb shit. IF this carry on, will we EVEN get to see each other at all? Army, meeting, army. Even when you're with me you spend most of the time doing proposals for the meeting.. Am I supposed to be not angry? Where am I in your heart now?? Last place? Do I even have a place anymore? ...
Come back to me.. I really need you.. If you're always gone, then isn't it the same as if we've never been together before?
....

Anyway Hitman Reborn really rocks at the back. Getting to see more of the cool and hot tsuna. Not to mention Mokudo and 25 years old Lambo is quite impressive too!

But the 5 year old lambo really sucks. So noisy and irritating. If I had a cow like that in my house, I'll throw him away. HAHA.

Oh and i'm going to see Hibari soon! HEHE at episode 53 le! So fast.

But seriously the fillers are so damn boring... GIMME MORE ACTION PLEASE.

And i'm so loving hunter x hunter manga. Rocks like crazy. Old man died and Gon become like years stronger. Of course killua is as cool as ever with his electrical aura.

Tired le..
I guess that's all.
Ciaossu

Posted via web from city of boredom

LOVE

2010-06-03T23:41:00.001+08:00

Is it impossible for two people to just love and get together? To be forever happy and don't quarrel? To love till death do them part?

Nope. Its totally possible.

Just, not in this world.

If this world only consist of you and your partner alone, it is possible. Like adam and eve..
However our world consists of so much, .. too much people.
Like how romeo and juliet will end up dead, so would love. Why can't they love? Because of their family. Therefore, it is possible to conclude that love is only perfect when it is only about two people.

If he has no previous love, no woman around him, there would be no jealousy; no quarrel; no conflict. You don't have to worry about him cheating on you while you're asleep, or worry about him when he goes out with girls [actually worry all the time, not just when he goes out], You don't have to care about regrets for there will not be any regrets of not watching him well enough or anything.

If he has no friends, his heart will only belong to you, and there will be plenty of time for you guys to spend together, no need to worry about him going out partying or playing when you're at home being worried and biting your nails. You don't even need to impress his friends.

If he has no family, you need not worry about status, money, your own family, and all the other shits. You don't even have to please and try to look nice for his parents. You don't have to care whether you are a good match, whether there's a future with him. You can just simply be with him because you love him.

If he has no work, no school, no religion, no race, no blood difference, whatever nonsense... Then there is simply nothing to care or worry about.

There will be no sin of pride, envy, greed, lust, gluttony, sloth or even wrath, for there is nothing to be angry about!

Yes, this would be the perfect paradise for love.

But please. Don't indulge in it too much. Its all just fantasy. Love is simple, innocent and pure. But the existence of mankind has made it complex and all messed up with murder, rape, kidnapping and whatever human can think of.

I wished I could love him without the rest of the world.
Hope gives disappointment.
Promises are always broken.

If love is blind, then I must be not only blind, but lose all my five senses as well. Maybe then I'll be happier, because my love has returned to its pureless, selfless form. I can totally shut off from the world.

I am not a guru when it comes to love, but I know, in reality, everything that was once possible is made impossible. This is a trade. For technology, science, and all the improvements, we must lose what we originally have, including morals, love, emotions......

One day we will lose ourselves. We will lose earth. We will lose our lives.
Maybe when that day comes... will everything return to its original form.

I wished he knew how much I love him.
And not be so focused to the world.
He'd rather choose the reality then fantasy.
He'd rather choose them then me.
After all i'm just one small thing.

Why give up the forest for a tiny seedling?
Why give up the ocean of fishes for a tiny fish egg?

If i were him, I probably won't even choose me.

hmm.. getting emo.. so..
ciaossu.

Posted via web from city of boredom

BORED

2010-06-02T15:37:00.001+08:00

okay i'm so bored so i'm gonna list the things i wanna do in the holidays:

1] watch movies :
> Toy Story 3 3D
> Killers
> Karate kid & shrek [maybe]

2] Celebrate birthday.
> hey i'm sixteen okay, so its supposed to be a bigger celebration then just with family and at home.

3] Play and slack as much as I can.
> okay, so I do this everyday; not just holidays...

4] 4th month anniversary.
> Which he is not free to spend with me :((

5] Upload pictures that were never uploaded.
> like [[ Stuff we do in school ]]
> & [[ pictures long forgotten]]
> or [[ mumday / earthday ]]
>and a bunch of other nonsense.

6]Do HW**
> PLEASE REMIND ME TO DO IT.
> even though I confirm will ignore you and keep slacking, BUT PLEASE do not give up trying to persuade me. :( I really need people to keep me going. LOTS OF HW OMG. [ i confirm 2 days before then start =.=]

7] STUDY**
> OI I O'LEVEL LIAO LA.
> Mid year 7 subjects I fail 4 sia. like that o' levels will fail.
> must persuade me like point 6. TY

8] Try not to get bored.
> even though I already bored.
> anything interesting to keep me going?

9] Go somewhere interesting
> idk. no comments.

10] Laugh at other people
> ...

I think thats all. Will edit if something pops up in my mind. What's your list to do for holidays?
[ eh, if all about studying and hw hw..., don't tell me. I don't wanna know hor. HOLIDAY LEH! ]
hahas. cya.

Ciaossu

Posted via web from city of boredom

:l

2010-05-13T20:09:00.001+08:00

i know i haven't been posting for a while. Sorry. hahas. been busy nowadays. Going to finish mid-year examinations soon...
Anyways my life's been ups and downs lately. A few times i've been wanting to blog, but things just come up from nowhere...

But well, i'm here now!

hahas. I think i'm in need of amaths tuition like seriously.

Keep telling myself can make it but I can't.

Anyways I look forward to meeting his friends. I 'm afraid.. but I know I have to face them someday. Its not like I can run forever...
I want to see how he is like infront of his friends too. Looking at him w/o his friends and with his friends should be different. I hope he doesn't abandon me behind.

He is not that bad. I mean, who can take this temper of mine? I get mood swings like every split second once I see something I don't like. Which is most of the times since I don't like most things.

But sometimes he really hurts me.

I don't get it. Is it really different and difficult for people who have never dated to date with someone who has dated before? I have no experience! All I think is how I see it! I don't know how he can still do stuff like that.. He says he is not those kind who keep things because he still has hope. He tells me he just keeps it because it is an effort made by others.

... Don't normally people just throw them away because they get reminded of the past and be sad?

WTH is with those hugging pictures.

In case you didn't notice...

THEY GROSS ME OUT.

I feel like i'm hugging something that many had hugged before.

There is like no 'me', nothing that is new for him.

No new memories. That makes me sad.

Anyway, enough nonsense. Sigh, I just wish holidays will come.

I just wish to sleep in.

ciaossu.

Posted via web from city of boredom

this shouldn't be posted.

2010-03-29T16:14:00.001+08:00

okay. this is private. i know. But I can't bear it anymore. I need help. Please. Anyone. Tell me if i'm wrong.

Let's take this scene.

You're up REALLY late doing stupid homework for crappy teachers. Everyone is sleeping and the only light on is from your room. You're upset, frustrated and lonely. You probably msged people so that you might be less bored.
But only one replied.
Of course, its like 1am at night and everyone else is sleeping.
But this guy replied you. He gave up his sleep to reply you.
You tell yourself this is normal but you are obviously touched. You feel happy.
He tells you to go to sleep. How sweet.
You tell him to go to sleep too.
Then he tells you to sleep first.
And this returning of texts back and forth continues.
Then you realise he cares for you. He cares about you sleeping early when your parents don't.
He takes your health into consideration.
You tell yourself he's just being a good friend, in fact he even has a gf.
But then you ask yourself, would a friend go into such lengths?
...Maybe, he likes you.

Then take this scene from that guy's girlfriend.

You were just randomly playing around with your bf's phone the next day. And you're obviously curious about who he talks to. You are also trying to get to know him better.
Then you come across the girl's msges.
" :) Doing hw and stuff hahas. You go sleep la :D..." ,
" aw. Go sleep now la!!... :))"
"waiting for you.. hahahas joking joking...."
Then you look at the time.
0.02,..... 1.23am....
AND YOU TOLD HIM TO SLEEP EARLY THAT DAY.
You are too pissed off to even see how he replied. Or even continue reading the other msges.

And he asks you why you're angry.
You explain. He says that he is just being concerned as a friend.
That they have nothing between them.
He says he was just worried about her and her schoolwork...it was really late and stuff.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

okay. the gf was me.
I know he did nothing wrong.

To him it was just a regular msg and a concern for a friend.
But what about to her?

If I were a girl. If i were in her shoes... I'll like him.
Someone who replied me in 1am is rare. Someone who bothered to care is rare.
Someone who tells me to sleep. Someone who teaches me how to fend off guys.
Someone who I can talk to. Someone whom I can face without putting on a facade.
Someone who likes me the way I am. Someone nice. Someone I know first, before his gf did.

And then I would take my chances and thinks he likes me back. Because he bothered. He cared. A girlfriend is no obstacle. They can always break up, and I can console him. Maybe he'll notice and find out i'm a lot better and I love him more.

^ THAT is wad a girl thinks.

I'm not blaming him. Guys take it as it is.

But does that mean I have no right to be jealous? Am I wrong to be angry? He is obviously giving off the wrong signals. People misunderstand... Girls think a lot about things. Honestly, I think it is really strange to msg someone so late at night, unless there is something important, like about tml things or urgent matters...

But... the msges held no content. In my point of view, its just basic flirting texts. Those kind of.. "why, you jealous ah xP" and " ya lor ya lo. jealous cannot ah. XDD".

One word. Gross.

Especially when you are attached.

I know you are not wrong. The girl is not wrong. Maybe I'm the one thats wrong.
I'm the only one stupid enough to care. Stupid enough to cry.

Honestly. The only time I will stop caring is when I stop loving.
I stood in your shoes. Can you stand in mine?
Am I really wrong to care that your relationship with the girl is really strange?
Why would a girl tell you about people chasing her? Why would she ask you about me?
SHE IS NOT SOME FRIEND. GOD DAMN IT WAKE UP.
A girl who really needs to solve girl-boy problems will ask another GIRL. Cause girls and boys do not think the same. Even if you lie to yourself there is nothing strange with her asking you... IT IS STRANGE.

There is only under 2 situations they will ask you.
They want you to get jealous and care.
They want to ask you how the guy feels. [guy opinion], like buying presents.

BUT. TEACHING HOW TO FEND OFF PEOPLE. DO NOT FALL UNDER THE SECOND ONE.

You tell me to trust you.
hell, do you know how hard it is?

People. LOTS of people betrayed me.
I locked myself in.

Now i'm opening to you. But I cannot make myself believe.
Do you want to know why?

I'm telling you why:
I don't want you and her to end up today someday and breaking up with you.
THEN end up telling myself I SHOULD HAVE known. I should have controlled you.
I should have done this and done that...
And regret like crazy.

I dont wanna end up like that.

I have regretted far too many things in life. I can't take my chances.
If there's ever one thing I wanted to do seriously...

I want to take love seriously.

I have NEVER. NEVER wanted something so bad.
I am not a possessive person. BUt.. I don't want to share!

How can you have the guts to msg someone else when I'm sleeping??
How can you flirt and feel that its NOTHING?

How can you think i'm too sensitive?
IF I HAD A GUY WHO MSGED ME LIKE THAT....

Let's see you sit still and feel NOTHING.
you think its nothing. IT MEANS EVERYTHING TO ME.

It is only these small details that count. These words, smiles, actions, that make people happy or sad.
You are caring about her, more than you care about me.

You come almost everyday. so? You can be one person when you're with me, but another when you are outside. One can truly trust the other is when the other person is the same with or without you. You are not. At least I feel.

This is not the first time.
Is it really my fault?

I have never had a relationship.
maybe to you, details like numbers, sleeping, msges, phones, smiles and actions... do not matter.
But it means the world to me.

You think of her as a friend.
I am trying to think of her as your normal friend.
DOES SHE THINK THE SAME?

i am insecure i know. I am stupid. I am foolish. I am selfish. I am ignorant. I am too sensitive. I am too easily angered.
But is it really just me?
Is it because I think too much, or is it because you think too little?
I don't want to hear excuses. I want you to think properly.

Is it because I am too childish? Is it because I am too young? Is it because of the age gap?
Or is it because you didn't thought it mattered.

I told you I don't like it. You do it.
I don't want to care. You asked me to.
Then I started to care. AND THEN you restricted me.

Wth do you want from me.

AM i wrong?
Just a stupid crybaby?
Am i supposed to keep a blind eye?

Am i supposed to act like it doesn't matter?

i'm sorry im sorry im sorry.
I;m just seriously stupid. all your friends probably think so too...
I just want to love you...

its just that when I hold you..
You feel so far away...
You don't feel like mine...

I'm afraid you'll just go away.
Is it wrong to feel this way?
Is it wrong to feel the stabbing pain when I see you laughing and talking with some other girl?

I seriously tried not to care...
But I can't.
I can't...

You have no idea how hard it is to type this. How painful it is. How suffocating it is.
And you won't even read this.

Is it really just me? I can't care at all?
Am I really really wrong?
It's my fault?

damn it..

ciao.

Posted via web from city of boredom

Oral

2010-03-24T11:32:00.001+08:00

So yea, people ask me what happen to my oral and stuff, so here's some interesting questions and replies from my chinese and english oral.

CHINESE ORAL [translated to english]

Teacher : So do you have any teacher that treats you like a friend?

Me : no.

Teacher stares at me.

I stare back.

Teacher : Do you have anything else to add?

Me : no.

Teacher : ... You can go now.

Me : Thanks.

[failing percentage : 80%]

ENGLISH ORAL

[ Beginning of the oral examination ]

Teacher : Okay, you can place you bags here and take it after you have taken your oral examination. Remember to SWITCH OFF your handphones and place them in your bags. UNLESS you want to challenge the system and get a zero.

-Everyone switches off their handphones-

..............................................................................

[ During examination ]

Teacher : What is good about blood donation?

Me : Urm.. It helps people and you will feel good about doing something good? Oh. And its also fun to see your blood outside your body.

Teacher laughs

.......................

Teacher : Who do you think should set a role model to everyone?

Me : Hmm... I think..er wait. You mean everyone AS IN ... everyone?

........................

Teacher : How do you think the healthcare system in singapore could be improved?

Me : ...what?

.......................

End of oral. I walked away with my bag.

Then I took out my not switched off handphone.

I had just challenged the system and won.

[failing percentage: 67%]

wow.
now i'm really freaking out.
haha.

ciaossu

Posted via web from city of boredom

invisibility?

2010-03-04T22:36:00.001+08:00

... STOP FLIRTING IN FRONT OF MY EYES

DAMN IT I'M NOT BLIND.

Posted via web from city of boredom

so shingz right? wow.

2010-03-04T22:27:00.001+08:00

haven't been posting in a while. In a LONG while.

People who are viewing this through my blogspot, please view here instead. [posterous] LOL.

Reason is simple. Its a lot less emo-er. Ha.

And its simple and plain. kinda cool actually o.o

So yea. what should I say.

I should start by saying all the things that I've kept in my head for the longest time..

1st by scolding people:

STOP being so immature folks. I mean, you're like saying all those shit about how young and KIDDY i am 'cause of my age. But what about you guys? You're like freaking old and yet you're being so childish. YES I REPEAT. CHILDISH. AND YOU'RE OLD. SO WHY NOT GROW UP?!

At least in my head i'm a hell lot mature than people your age. so grow up. THIS KID HERE IS TELLING YOU TO GROW UP. You should be ashamed. By growing up i'm telling you to stop making fun of me. Yea to you 'adults/ young teens' , its all fun and games when you make fun of people. BUT I DON'T LIKE IT. Especially when I'M SERIOUS.

I don't get serious easily, so when I do, I hate when people take it as a joke. If you laugh at what I do; who I am with or whatsoever, you are also LAUGHING AT ME.

You don't know me. So don't act like you do.

OH AND RESPECT MY PARENTS PLEASE.

basic manners and respect please.

poor-mannered ADULTS have no right to criticize CHILDREN.

online freak show.

you are no longer young, uncles/aunties. face the truth and look at the mirror.

Explain myself :

So why did i start the new post by scolding?

reasons include :

-CAUSE THEY FREAKING DESERVE IT.

-i'm pissed i have no choice.

-they need to know

AND TO FURTHER EXPLAIN THE SITUATION:

I WILL NEVER HATE OR DISLIKE SOMEONE.

UNLESS

THEY HATE ME.

this is the basic : you hate me, i hate you

why? CAUSE I'M A KID.

HA. In your face.

BOOMZ.

ciaossu.

Posted via web from city of boredom

Untitled

2009-12-31T16:07:00.001+08:00

Yup. Haven't been posting for quite a while. Well, tried to but i'm really too lazy.

Okay, so about Taiwan..

Well, I learnt quite a lot of stuff and met a lot of new people and made a lot of friends.

Some events are totally unforgetable.

And I got to eat the cup noodle that I dreamt of everyday.

I laughed there, got angry, got happy, and felt different.

Honestly I love the air there, always so fresh and light. Its like you could climb a mountain there without breaking a sweat and there aren't mosquitoes. In singapore you just have to do nothing and mosquitoes come after you. A lot worse if you tried climbing bukit timah hill. I honestly hope singapore can turn just slightly colder; but that would mean disaster 'cause singapore is located in the equator.

Well, anyway it was a pleasant experience.

Especially the earthquake in taiwan. I managed to be 'sort of' in the centre of the chaos. 'Cause well, I managed to saw the building shake and the windows clanging. I bet you din't know this : a building makes a 'gong' sound, not a bang sound. Try saying 'gong gong gong gong gong' REALLY LOUD and repeatly. Its kinda scarier. lols. Plus I was surrounded by buildings that time, and the effect was like x10 + echo. lols. I thought it was really fun though, and everyone thought i'm weird :O

so anyway, i miss it there already.

that's all folks, for now.

ciaossu.

Posted via web from city of boredom

okay okay 2

2009-12-15T10:20:00.001+08:00

See and download the full gallery on posterous

Posted via email from city of boredom

Okay okay

2009-12-15T10:16:00.001+08:00

ok, i'm a lot happier today. Just hope that feeling lasts. yea.

Okay, just went by gladys blog and i'm still wondering why she didn't post zw tz's singing on some place to ya know, share. :D lols. I was surprised I had a picture there!!

and I er.. just realised it couldn't be posted here. aww sianz :O

So anyways, it was a nice picture!!!

In case she reads this, " I'm bringing the black 'band' we brought to taiwan! [the one that hangs from the neck to the phone thingy] "

but i'm having some problems linking it to the phone to the one piece keychain :(

noooo...

okay, if it works, you'll find me and gla's picture on the post abv ^ [+ my new idol :)]

that is, if it works. LOL.

kay,

ciaossu.

Posted via web from city of boredom

GREAT.

2009-12-14T20:32:00.001+08:00

wtf wtf wtf.
Oh yea, I'M A KID.

I'M A KID WHO HAS NEVER PACKED HER OWN BAG. RIGHT. LIKE I NEED YOUR HELP.

OH PLEASE. I'VE BEEN TO CAMPS. I KNOW WHAT I NEED. I'M NOT A FREAKING FROG IN A WELL.

going to taiwan tml.

and today, i've got to take attitude from my mum and sis.

AND it becomes MY fault.

GREAT.

awesome.

whatever.

i'm just freaking pissed now. Haven't played computer at all.. and the whole morning i've got the silent treatment from my mum. outside. Then when we came home from 'shopping', she starts scolding. AWESOME.

AND she closes the door [locked to be specific] , then i can't use the computer. DOUBLE GREATNESS.

Pissed, i watch the tv. Then she went to bathe [also inside the locked room], then when she came out she was like "Still don't want to bathe?!" and i'm like thinking, " hello? you were just inside it.. HOW could i bathe?"'

anywayy, today is awesome. I CANNNN'T WAIT TO GO TAIWAN WITH THEM SO THAT I COULD BE SCOLDED MORE.

I cross my fingers, and my toes, and everything to hope that I won't be scolded in public IN FRONT of everyone in taiwan.

That's practically the LAST thing I need to spoil my whole remaining trip. AND holiday.

this sucks.

my whole " i'm-looking-forward-to-taiwan & I-finally-have-peace" is officially a GONER.

W~OW~.

whatever.

ciaossu.

Posted via web from city of boredom

things to do

2009-12-11T17:37:00.001+08:00

okay. i'm so gonna watch 'how to tame a dragon' 3D, when it comes out. The main character is like HOT. Like, HOTTER than cloud of final destiny. Well, i mean in my point of view.

okay okay, so i'm in love in another animated character, but its not my fault, he's REALLY hot. :D Plus the dragons are like super cute; especially the babies.

oh yea. and i'm gonna watch 'toy story' too! it looks funny. Real funny.

Currently watching planet 51; on funshion, hahahas. Its kinda amazing when aliens think of humans as aliens, and the way the do 'high four' instead of 'high five'. lols.

So if anyone's gonna watch toy story or how to tame a dragon, MUST remember to bring me along! many thanks XD

anyways, that's all for today.

ciaossu.

Posted via web from city of boredom

trying out

2009-12-10T14:11:00.001+08:00

okay. so now i'm trying out posterous, hopefully i don't give up halfway again. well, wanted to try this 'cause i heard ya don't need to search and do lots of blogskin stuff, which is awesome; for lazy people like me.

so erm.. here are some updates of me:

I've finished watching episode 428 of one piece, and currently waiting for more episodes to come out. While 'waiting' , i'm currently once again addicted to supernatural, a show of.. well, un-natural beings. Oh, and I am so in love with luffy and sam winchester.

I'm going taiwan on tuesday, which is kinda fast 'cause i've haven't done a thing. great.

I haven't touched anything related to school :

1. I haven't done ss project.

2. I haven't done the heavy load of freaking chinese stuff.

3. I haven't studied ANYTHING.

awesome.

the worse part is, I DON'T FEEL LIKE DOING ANYTHING.

So im just gonna waste some time here talking about random stuffs related to me while i wait for supernatural to load. So yea, get ready to freak out.

here goes :

If monsters truly existed, I think humans are a lot scarier.

I think a man who gives " I'm sorry, I just couldn't control myself /these are human desires/it's a natural thing to do" as an excuse for cheating on his wife is unforgiveable.

If i used one word to describe myself, it would be curious. NOT emo.

I honestly believe, " a man who knew everything, didn't understood a thing".

I don't like people judging me, or act as if they understood me. I'd rather them be clueless.

I get bored easily.

I own in reversi.

One emotion i really lack in is not happiness, but rather, empathy; I can't seem to feel sad for people.

I love blue. But i hate pink. I really do.

I like robin of teen titans, danny of danny phantom, jerry of tom and jerry, ash of pokemon, luffy of one piece, hitsugaya of bleach, tsuna of hitman reborn [even though i hate his voice], sam of supernatural, ben of ben 10 [i like the grown-up ben], liam aiken, jeremy sumpter, jasper and edward of twilight, darren of darren shan, harry of harry potter,casper of casper the friendly ghost, shaggy of scooby doo +++++++++

i think i probably like everything i don't hate. hmm...

i have flu every single morning.

i think supernatural is done loading.

ciaossu. [ciao + ossu]

Posted via web from city of boredom

untitled.

2009-10-22T20:38:00.002+08:00

i think..
i've fallen in love, again.
and its someone stupid, again.
someone who'll never like me back, again.

they all say its better to have loved and lost, than not loved at all...
i say if i could, i rather not have this thing called affection/love/like/whatever at all...

but i cant do anything about it.
just in self-denial that i do not like him at all.

yup. i dont like him at all.

if you're going to come and not come;
i rather you not come at all.
fool.
i mean me.

im begging with two hands now

2009-10-11T16:10:00.000+08:00

PLEASE let me pass my a maths! PLEASE T_T
I'd never tried so hard to pass my whole life T_T

One piece :D

2009-10-09T17:10:00.002+08:00

im so loving one piece's song.
replayed for like... 100 times? hahas.

This is the english version below, though it's sang in jap :
I
'll keep believing in the future, not caring if anyone laughs at me
The passion running within you makes you shine
It's too dazzling, but I want to keep watching you
Somehow, sensing those aesthetics makes me really really stuck on you

Chasing, chasing after the one in my dreams
That is like no one else
With a feeling that burns like it's kindling the dawn
I don't know yet what the consequences will be
Instead of these boring times, it's gotta be dramatic
Until we achieve that, believe in wonderland!

Under casual rules, we've avoided a mountain of problems
But because of your pride, you can't turn back down this road
On your weak nights when troubles keep coming
I will hold you tight, I wanna wanna be with you

Holding on, we keep holding on
To a dream that no one else can see
Because I'm with you, we have such hot feelings
We don't really need consistency
Instead of a mundane routine,
Run towards paradise and believe in wonderland!

Chasing, chasing after the one in my dreams
That is like no one else
With a feeling that burns like it's kindling the dawn
I don't know yet what the consequences will be
Instead of these boring times, it's gotta be dramatic
Until we achieve that, believe in wonderland!

Trying to fix my ear piece so I could play it in my phone~~

liar. liar. liars.

2009-10-05T15:21:00.005+08:00

The little puppet walked as fast as she could.
After she went home she opened the closet door and stared at the mirror.
She looked at herself,
and she started crying.
Crying and crying, as she cuddled in a corner.
But she was still crying.
And she cried until her body turned icy; until her head hurts like crazy; until her eyes turned sore.

She had no idea what was wrong, all she knows is that she's weak.
But it was not their fault. All they talked about and laughed about might be the truth.
It was her own fault.
She was too ugly.
That's why her new hairstyle made her look funny,
because she was ugly.

She thought she'll look better with the haircut, because her family said her eyes are pretty.
Her cousin thought the haircut was cute. Her mum thought it was nice.
And she went out with confidence, but came back with shame.
Good words are all lies.

She never thought she was pretty, but she thought she was 'okay'.
But now she knows she's ugly. And it all made sense.
Because only ugly people get laughed at.
Because only ugly people get bullied.
Because only ugly people have no one to love.
Because beautiful people are loved.
Because beautiful people have nice friends.
Because beautiful people can smile brightly.
Because beautiful people get to be bullies.
Because beautiful people don't have to care what others feel.
Because beautiful people are right, and ugly people are wrong.
Because ugly people look ugly.

Its enough for her little puppet heart. '
To think she even had a good dream this morning. Which was super rare.
But they are all lies.

name

2009-10-02T15:20:00.005+08:00

Kinda interesting how a cool person sounds really cool when calling your name for the first time @.@

Like those people beside you always call your name so you don't feel any different, but when someone who normally don't talk to you calls your name, it feels really interesting.

I'll be like , " OMG DID HE JUST CALL ME " lol. You dont have to like the person to feel funny o.o, its just really weird ~

Maybe it felt like I was accepted as an individual or smth, like 'I EXIST'! LOL. Or like i'm recognized.

What a nice feeling, haha.
Kinda feels that i'm finally making friends. Even though i'm like already sec 3...

Finally eng and chi paper over. I am like so stressed i dunno why. And I finally studied chinese; I know like 30+ words, BUT ONLY 2 COME OUT. WTH.
TT my life is sad.

But at least I was saved by god a minute before the paper was collected. Haha hard to explain here but I was like basically praying and the word appeared in my eyes. LITERALLY APPEARED ON THE PAPER. AND I was like clinching my fist and 'YES!'. lol lol

OH AND IMMA SO INTO ONE PIECE. HAHA RENGE *sticks out tongue* :p

OH OH, AND IM VERY ADDICTED TO A MANGA, CAUSE THE GUY IS DRAWN SO BEAUTIFULLY, ITS BASICALLY A PIECE OF ART! * Sparkling eyes* I CANT TAKE MY EYES OFF HIM! T-T

woo

2009-09-24T16:20:00.001+08:00

HA, eating my favorite tidbit with dried seaweed + cheese and other weird stuff,
plus drinking iced tea and watching computer now,
AND tml is the last day of school!
Woo! BANZAI!

[tho' that means i really SHOULD start studying] =="
lol but i dont care HAHA

:D

2009-09-22T19:24:00.003+08:00

i've got flowers of blissful-ness around me~
Hahaha~ I'm not gonna tell you why ~
*Sparkling eyes*
Ah~h i'm gonna melt away~~

Actually i'm just getting excited all by myself, not that smth really good happened or smth dramatic happened to my life, just smth really small and insignificiant to others, but it was good enough for me. WAHAHAHA ~
If only everyday were like today, maybe I could like school, just a little :3

..but i-i think, too much of that might be bad for my heart... I was so nervous I couldn't breathe properly =="

I think if THAT happened instead, I'll probably just faint~
But its still nice :DD

shhh...dont telll anyone :D

shugo chara

2009-09-21T14:19:00.004+08:00

I love ikuto and tadase <3 LOL LOL
Ikuto is the first three pictures. He's the cool, hot, quiet and naughty guy :D [and and I love his violin! VIOLINS ARE DE BEST ]

Tadase is the last three pictures. He's cute, nice, kind and prince-like character :D [oh and I love his character change, where he changes to an arrogant, funny king that yearns for world dormination! HA same as me. THANKS THANKS ><]

I like them both. HAHA.
not sure why, but I like extreme people, as in either very dark people, or very sparkly and bright people.

PS: And Rima is freaking funny
"Basugasubakuhatsu" < try reading this really really fast'

HAHA

48:
tadase as a prince detective:
Your heart, I'll arrest it.

And I was like
" ARREST ME!!"
HAHA prince fan girl :D

Honestly, what the hell.

2009-09-19T10:37:00.004+08:00

what the hell am I to you?

Mum, tell me.
Last time it used to be sis and me, I was second, but at least I was noticed.
Then sis started to have bfs. And breakups. And o'levels. Your focus is on her, but it doesn't matter, because I'm third now [ sis and her bf is first and second] , but at least, sometimes, SOMETIMES, you still talk about me, touch my head, and talk good things about me.

Then now there's my godbrother. YOUR godson. Now i'm 4th. AND YOU TOTALLY DONT TALK ABOUT ME AT ALL. This morning I went down to have breakfast with my mum and sis, and they kept talking. About work, sis, sis's bf, mum herself, and the godson.
Nothing about me.

I sat there at the side listening to them talk. Waiting for them to talk about me, but all mum said about me was negative. Like I have NO good points at all. My heart hurts and I wanna cry but I didn't show. I told myself its alright... BUT ITS NOT.

I tried to talk, and I really did, 3 times in fact. But none of them noticed. Like I was not there... So I talked to myself. And they didn't noticed either.

I'm a human too. No matter how cold I am or how hard I try to be emotionless, I am human. So it hurts like shit. What am I to you mum? Am I so bad? What did I do wrong? Times like these, I wished I was a robot.

You always tell me its because of computer that I can't communicate. You're wrong. Because you never try. I don't shut myself in my own world... I open up, but you guys don't listen. So I close the door slightly. And you guys don't notice either, So i shut off completely.

I wonder which one's more cold. The rain outside, or my house. It used to be so warm, so nice... Like everytime I come home there's people to welcome me.

Now its just stone cold. Dead silent. Heartless.
And even when you do talk about me, its all about how I don't off computer, or my results. [that are not even bad]

I wanted to go to the market with you two just now. But I couldn't bear it. My heart's not that strong. The more I think about it, the more inferior I think of myself. Am I not worth your attention at all? Its not like I seek attention, but mum gives me NO attention at all. She would say all about her godson's good points [ when he is a gangster] , but all she finds on me are the bad points [ when i'm supposed to be better]. I don't get it.

If this is love, I DON'T WANT IT.

Charming

2009-09-18T14:25:00.002+08:00

Flu, flu and more flu.
+ Mr syaban is getting funnier and funnier. Seriously cute HAHA
And...
School is finally OVER. well, as in weekends are here.
Phew.

PS : A charming man has a charming smile.

I learned that today.

Story

2009-09-16T18:08:00.002+08:00

Writing another story.
I'm happy that someone wants to read my stories.
This is the first time, and i'm really happy.

First love story.
Well, there are no stories of mine without any bloodshed. But this is different.
'Cause finally, my dear Lucifer arrived. I've been wanting to put him in a story but it just doesn't fit. His character must be demanding, arrogant and naughty. He is a prince of hell after all.

I'm so happy to be able to write lucifer. Hahas.

All you can bring back is what you can't leave behind.

Pure romance

2009-09-11T13:27:00.004+08:00

Hiro-san , Hiro-san...

Thats nice..

hmm.. thats why its dangerous to watch love animes. This is kinda bad ~

Renge's visit

2009-09-10T12:56:00.001+08:00

Renge came to my house today,
truthfully, it was fun :)

'Cause I haven't really got any visits from friends since secondary school. Only once for project. So to me, today was fun.

Though I don't know whether renge liked it or not, because my house is really boring. She just watched animes with me and some other videos. And watched me play plants vs zombies. So it wasn't really interesting for her.

Finshed hunterxhunter for the 4th time. As exciting as ever. Killua rocks.
I really wanna watch the movie '9' O:
Religion game-planning for sunday; meeting today.
ah.. so busy, so busy. hahas

anyone got suggestions for games?

Mushi

2009-09-09T21:07:00.000+08:00

..mushi ka?

Now I even fear sleeping... 'Cause I used to dream of the fantasy, things that will never happen, stuffs that never existed, or the impossible. But now I dream of reality, everything, as if i'm not dreaming... Then when I wake up, I don't know whether its reality or dream anymore. I dreamt once that I woke up, but then my mum woke me up again.. And I was like... whats going on?

I thought its a one time thing, but i'm having ALL dreams that are so close to reality. My head's really messed up. Not to mention my eyes are getting blur all the time.

I hate cockroaches; insects.

Today they sprayed some repellent thingy downstairs and all the cockroaches climbed up in attempt to escape death. And my house is the highest, so they all came to my house. I was getting out of the room to get water and when I stepped out I see cockroaches EVERYWHERE. wtf. Here I'm avoiding one, then another one climbs out. I helped 3 escape by using newspaper, but that was only because they were close to the door, those other cockroaches that bothered me by climbing about and were not close to the door were killed. By me, obviously.

Hell, it terrified me. Not the killing, but the part were I had to clean up. I didn't kill them by smashing or wadever violence means, but I used some cleaning germs detergent sort of thing. Its watery, so I just squeezed the bottle on top of the cockroaches and drowned them [ or 'cause they have lots of germs so they died ]. But I can't leave them there so I took a paper spoon and scoop them up... Which was freaking terrifying cause I had to examine whether they are really dead or not. Then there was this HUGE cockroach that came running to me SO fast that I jumped to a chair, banged my leg and cried. I HAVE NO IDEA WHY I CRY BUT YEA.

Anyway, i'm still having goosebumps up till now. O:

One more day. And holidays lessons are over. HOORAY! WAN SUI! YADA!YOSHA! [lol]

.... I really should start studying..
well, play for one more week bah. HAHA.

? I don't know.

2009-09-07T17:02:00.000+08:00

Everyone in the world is finding something.
Something valuable to them.
Something that means a lot.
Something that cannot be replaced.

Everyone is searching for it.
But I don't know what is it.

God is playing with me.
playing.

6th sept.

2009-09-06T14:56:00.002+08:00

As if having nightmares and bad days weren't bad enough. Now I can't stop crying.

Sept 6.

Mum caned me first time in years. Truthfully, it didn’t hurt as much as my heart did. But the redness in my leg shows that it does hurt…around eight times in the same spot… hell, how do I go school tml…

Seriously, I don’t know what I did wrong. I swear I’m one of the good kids compared to the world.. Just that I play the computer. Whats wrong with playing the computer for the whole day on SATURDAY? ITS SATURDAY! AND I didn’t even played at night yesterday! Which kid doesn’t play computer for more than 2hrs on Saturday? I mean if they’ve got nothing to do?!
If anyone who plays computer for more than 2hrs is addicted, THEN TELL ME SOMEONE WHO AIN'T ADDICTED.

Then you know what she said just now? She asked me to finish my holidays homework before I can on the computer. WTF? HOLIDAY HOMEWORK? ITS NOT EVEN MONDAY! ITS SUNDAY, AND YOU WANT ME TO FINISH ALL MY HOLIDAY HOMEOWRK? IS IT EVEN POSSIBLE?!

Then I quarreled with her. IT REALLY WAS UNREASONABLE. I MEAN, I PASSED MY CA2 WITH ALL EITHER A OR Bs, NO Cs AT ALL! THEN SHE STILL CAN TALK NONSENSE ABOUT MY CHINESE GETTING LOWER… WTF DOES SHE WANT? WTF DOES SHE KNOW? AND HOW TO FINISH ALL MY HOMEWORK? I’m not even a bad kid! All I do is stay at home and play computer! I finish my homework on time, no teacher ever complains about me, I passed my exams, I already fulfilled all the criteria that I’m supposed to fulfill, and even better, I’m not those kinda bad kids that smokes , or hang out until 4 pm at night, AND I’m not those kind that IS REALLY addicted to computer, up to the point where they play from 5am to 2am!

So whats the problem? I DON’T SEE A REASON TO BE SCOLDED? NEITHER AM I A BAD KID! ITS SO DAMN UNREASONABLE! I CAN SURVIVE WITHOUT A COMPUTER! THAT’S NOT THE PROBLEM HERE! ITS HER! ALL I wanted to do was to relax and on the computer for a while, and I got scolded so much? SHE’S NOT THE ONLY ONE THAT WILL GO CRAZY AND ANGRY? I WILL TOO! So I threw a cup on the floor, and it broke. I WAS REALLY ANGRY!

Then she came back with a cane and caned me. Seriously, it didn’t hurt as much as I remembered.

Honestly, if I go on getting scolded and crying every single day, I might go crazy AND blind. Wth. My eyes hurt, and I can’t breathe. Stupid asthma.

The cup wasn’t anything. I was so angry, I thought I could scratch my skin off. Thank god I don’t have long nails.

Freak. I have a bad temper, BUT I have good tolerance level, so normally, and outside, you won’t even get much of a chance to see me angry. At most, I’ll just shut up and calm myself down. But she doesn’t give me a chance to. So my temper roars up. ITS NOT EASY TO CALM IT BACK OKAY. In fact, my anger’s so scary I scare myself. Honestly, I wish she would notice this point and leave me alone.

In her eyes, I’m always the inferior one. The bad one. All the rest of the kids in this world are good. All except me. Hell, I give up.

In the end, nothing has changed.

I see...

2009-09-05T11:56:00.000+08:00

Yea, thats right. There's an eighty percent possibility that its my fault... again.
Why do I keep creating problems for myself?
It's enough.

Come to think of it, i'm having those 'attacks' again. More and more recently. Somewhere while talking, while laughing, while looking, while thinking, i'll suddenly get those 'attacks'. It scares me. No one else feels the ground moving, the stairs sinking... except me.

Am i going crazy?
Or is there something that's gonna happen?

I don't know. I don't wanna care either.

oh and, I love his hair.

I HATE THURSDAYS

2009-09-03T19:06:00.000+08:00

I HATE THURSDAYS. AND WITH A GOOD VALID REASON. OR REASONS.

firstly, i have to stay back for cca, despite being so damn tired, and that means I CANT EAT BECAUSE THERE'S NO VEGETARIAN AVAILABLE! And for me, food is more important than anything! wth.
second, i hate people. and just so coincidentally, my cca only ends at 6+. WHICH MEANS HELL THERE IS GONNA BE SO MUCH PEOPLE.

AND when i went in the squeezy mrt, this irritating fat guy with a huge HUGE stomach, accidently/purposely, the stomach collided with my hand. EWWWWW. He was hairy and sweaty and omfg i dont wanna think about it anymore.
And just so coincidentally again, the guy on my left is a smoker. He ain't smoking but he freaking stinks. !!! I HATE SMOKERS!!! Then the guy with the big stomach is on my right, he is facing me.... AND keeps TOUCHING his private part. WTF. TOUCH AND TOUCH AND TOUCH. I held down the impulse to turn to him and say, " OI, WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM? WTF ARE YOU TRYING TO DO?!"

zzzz then the stupid rain. My hands are holding lots of stuff, my umbrella, my file, my waterbottle and the stupid mask. zzzz Then the stupid rain made me almost fall, which in turn, made my file hit my chin in attempt to balance. THEN ONE CAR ALMOST BANG INTO ME, JUST CENTIMETERS AWAY! PLUS, the stupid traffic light take so long to turn green, and when it turned red for cars, ONE CAR STILL HAPPILY GO PASS THE RED LIGHT.

THEN people keep knocking into me, WHICH BY THIS TIME I AM ALREADY FREAKING PISSED, AND WORSE STILL, I CANT FIND A PLACE TO WALK BECAUSE EVERYWHERE THEY ARE BURNING STUFF FOR GHOSTS. WHAT, LIKE THAT LIVING HUMANS NO PLACE TO WALK LIAO AH? NO BRAINS ? WHY CANT THEY BURN IT IN THE TIN CAN, WHY MUST THEY BURN IT IN PLACES FOR PEOPLE TO WALK?!

2nd time I almost got knocked down by car. wtf. HELL.
Rain stopped suddenly. ZZZ I only open the umbrella for like 8mins?! THEN SUDDENLY STOP? THEN I OPEN FOR WHAT?!!!

ZZZ freaking pissed.
Mum came home and the first thing she did was scold me. WHAT THE HELL.

I HATE THURSDAY. NOW U KNOW WHY.

dream..

2009-09-02T15:34:00.000+08:00

Why..
Why does everyone die?
Why does everyone leave me...
Why does everyone leave me and die..?

I'm scared.
..I can't take it anymore.
Why can't I die with them, why do they have to leave me all alone?
Why are the dead more fortunate then the ones alive?

I'm scared.
Take me away from that dream..
Wake me up!
Somebody, anybody,
Please save me.

I hate that blood stained hospital.
I hate the metallic smell of the hospital...
I hate everything about that hospital...
Why did I have to dream about it again?

Its enough.

been long

2009-08-29T18:24:00.001+08:00

Yea, been so long since i've updated. There were some busy stuff and well, yea.

Thought a lot today. Well my hobby is to do nothing and think all day. But it has not been successful nowadays. There are too many things to bother about... Too many distractions.
Recently my inner self has been coming out a lot. Maybe too much.
I used to thought that if my inner self comes out and eventually takes over the self I am now, I would be happier, and less gloomy and cold. Which is basically true, but wrong at the same time. I thought about it a lot today. Basically analyzed everything, and i found out I was wrong.

My inner self came out because nowadays i'm lonely. Too lonely. That I thought I couldn't take it anymore. Someone told me that I needed someone to care, someone to love me. And I believed. How wrong I was, now that I thought of it. How would I be too lonely? I was lonely in the first place. Its just my inner self thats making things wrong. I don't need love. I never needed love.

Hell, like as if normal emotions wasn't confusing enough. Love is useless, its just a distraction. It kills you, bring you alive, and kill you again. People call this "process of love", I call this waste of time and effort, and getting nothing in return. I don't care if I never get loved, never settled down and get married, since all I wanted was to have a son, not a lover. I could adopt him, teach him values, teach him principles that i've taught myself, that life was cruel, and give him all my fortune [if i ever have one] to him. All without a lover.

If i ever needed to settle down with a guy, I would. But not now.

Be happy? i AM happy now. Before when I thought I needed to get rid of this solitary, I was unhappy. I was confused, unconfident, felt that I was inferior from other girls, tired, and my inner self took over. I hate that. Now that I got rid of those irritating human desires, I AM HAPPY. I AM BACK. To what i've been before. In my life, there isn't a need for a light to lead my way. I will crave my own road, no matter how dark it is. I've done it before, being lonely my whole life, I don't need someone else to bring me down.

See, this is the good thing about watching sad animes, it reminds me of what i've forgotten about my past, and brings the sadness back. It hurts but it pulls the inner self back. I can't change. I won't change. For if I change and be happy, I'll forget why I changed in the first place. I was weak, and I fell. But then I changed and grew strong, climbing my way out. Now I forgot how hard I worked, and slowly slowly lose my mind, allowing myself to show my weak side, and demand for sympathy... To hell with those thoughts. I'm refreshed, and I feel strong and confident now. I don't need your sympathy.

I know people will ask why I don't wanna be happy. I'll tell you why. If i din't change, I would still like pink. I will be smart, hyper-active, always laughing, but very flirty. And, i would be those kinda girls who never go home and hangs outside all day long with guys. I would waste money on materialistic goods, and I would have no principles. I will have curfew and be grounded. I would be the girl everyone else out there is. And the type of girl I never wanted to be.

I didn't notice.. But I'm becoming more and more daring. I thought this was me "opening" up, but I was actually getting influenced. Me, getting influenced... That was a huge mistake.
But I woke up now. Awaken, and still early. Thank god it wasn't too late. Thank god I realised.

I feel strong now, I feel capable. I no longer feel unwanted or extra anymore. I wasn't part of it anyway.
oh yea, i'm back alright.

i've done enough socializing.

I really wish, I could be selfish for once.

2009-06-23T16:47:00.002+08:00

O:

^Yes, I know its weird to start a blog post with such a weird 'face'.
But thats probably how I feel now; or rather, I have no idea what i'm supposed to feel now.
I'm gonna go my religion camp on Thurs, so feel free to spam call me in those three days, as I would be really glad to skip activities just to answer your call.
There are three things I hate in camps :
1] Waking up early
2] I can't sleep at night due to the bed
3] The fact that I have to play games that I don't wanna play. O:

yup, thats how I feel now.

Recently, I kept thinking about my dad. Which was weird, and ... sad.
I really do miss him after all...
And then there are things that kept me thinking more...
which made me feel really empty and hollow...

See, I always thought my father's death was caused by me. Which was impossible as he died of cancer; a spreading kind of disease, meaning to say, it is kind of a long-term thing. I always thought that even though he was tired after exercising that day, I forced him to run one more round. That made him sick and went to the hospital. And then 10 days later he died. So I kept thinking it was my fault. But I was just an 8 year-old kid back then, I wouldn't understand.. and even now, even though I know its impossible, I still think its my fault.

Why I wonder?
But the guilt.. the guilt's still there..

I don't know anymore.

2009-06-22T19:02:00.005+08:00

I probably went overboard with games that I don't update now... Well, anyway, now that i'm back with anime, I probably could update more often. Probably..

Today was the history bbq. AND. I. FORGOT. ALL. ABOUT. IT.
woo~ I don't know how to go anyway >.>

Anyway, about the p6 gathering, I realised, I was pretty popular back then, I mean, the fact that I wasn't forgotten; and having a huge group of people send me home because I was afraid; and the weird fact that I keep on talking non-stop for the whole day....
All these could never be done in my secondary school. Sadly, but true.

I never knew I could talk so much. I got so enthusiastic that I began talking to fishes. Which was embarrassing when a male ex-classmate saw it. -.- But anyway, it was kinda fun. Much more than i'll thought of it to be. Everyone was surprised when I told them I'm a loner at school. And the fact that my ranking was so lousy, and I didn't get into pure science...

Well, the truth is that I was pretty smart back then, and I was always in the top ten and the best classes... So.. for me to fall so much back and especially on maths that I used to loved so much....

Oh well, its awful to know that i'm so lousy now.

*Sighs* One more week huh.. and holidays end...
TCH, thinking about it pisses me off. I HOPE SWINE FLU WILL LET US EXTEND OUR HOLIDAYS!!!! BUt I feel sad about the people affected... IDK LAH.

Anyway. I saw Shijie today. Surprisingly he actually studies in Swiss Cottage. He probably didn't know who I am. Just like that person, probably forgotten about me already huh...
And then, because I saw Shijie, I started thinking about the past.. and, I don't know what to think anymore.

Its been 8 years already. So why am I still freaking thinking about it?
That person already...vanished.
Away, from my life..
And after so long...

...why?

I... I don't know anymore.
This sucks.

If I save you... Who would save me?

TUITION

2009-06-04T10:28:00.002+08:00

i'm gonna have tuition at 1pm. Sharp.
And its not gonna be nice.
I mean, he is an old old ah pei, not even nice to look at.
If its a shuai ge I might think it could be nice or smth.. ZZZZ

I had a dream about school. [ because of the fact that i'm gonna have tuition ]
For people who know me, dreams about school is like the worst kind of nightmares I could ever have. And it totally sucks. Holy crap.

And because its at 1pm, I can't play maple. [ due to some quest that says I need to stay online for 3 hrs]. ZZZZ. Apparently, this uncle is famous for getting As for his students at math.
Then i'm like " Ooo, I'm so gonna break that record. I'm gonna be his worst student yet".

And worst of all, all this scary tuition stuff is supposed to start only at next week. NEXT WEEK!
ZZZZ

I never liked tuition.

MAPLE.

2009-06-02T10:50:00.002+08:00

I finally download maple. And now, they are having sever check until 1pm ; just nice that time, I have to GO TO KARAOKE. zzzzz... NOOOOOO....

Yesterday went maple for like after 1 year of non-mapling, and they're having lots of events. One which includes a beautiful chair that has to be exchanged with a golden maple leaf. I bought a golden maple leaf for like $700,000; and when i exchanged it, guess what I got...

I GOT 100 MAPLE LEAVES.
WTF.
I already have like 1000 leaves. zzzzz

NOOO, I WANT THE CHAIR! >_<

and i'm going karaoke till 7pm....
and i only have 1mill left....
and the event is gonna end....
NOOOOO... PLEASE DONT END OMG OMG T_T
Renge save me~~

@.@

2009-05-30T13:44:00.002+08:00

First day of school holidays. A bit unreal. Feel like playing maple again [ heard that there's an episode two in the game ] but it didn't work. And downloading is like 5 days long. wtf? *yawns*.
Feeling very slacky today. Saw rio's blog and the pictures were somehow entertaining. Anyway, I've got primary 6/1 gathering at 5th june, ben's birthday at tml, my birthday at 17th june, 26-29 june got camp and.. I've got history bbq at.. AT WHEN AH OH SHIT I FORGOT.
Anyway, i'm gonna be busy. *sighs*

holy crap my results sucked.
I WANNA PLAY POKEMON AND MAPLE.
ARGH.
feista, pi story, cabal and getamped is lame. dont ever ask me to play that AGAIN.
bored bored bored
BOOOOOORRRREEEEEDDD.
I wanna jump down, so boring today~~

-.- MUMS SUCK

2009-05-29T19:43:00.003+08:00

OKAY, MY MOTHER JUST THREW MY REPORT BOOK ON THE FLOOR.
@%!@&*$

She is trying to tell me that i suck and i need tuition.
She thought I got like freaking the lowest.
Have she got any idea that there is still 80+ ppl in express behind me?!

YOU SO SMART YOU GO STUDY FOR ME LAH.
THATS WHY I HATE MATHS.
IT REMINDS ME OF YOU AND SIS.

You don't know anything so don't give me the, I-can-do-better, you're-so-stupid face.

WOO!

2009-05-29T15:05:00.002+08:00

End.
Of.
School.

HELL YEA.

Oh shit. I forgot to smile. I forgot that i'm supposed to make a great friend today. NOOOO!
*pulls hair*. Nothing changed. Again. *sighs*.

Juniors are cute

2009-05-28T19:42:00.003+08:00

TML IS THE LAST DAY OF SCHOOL. OMG THE DAY HAD FINALLY ARRIVED.
WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Okay, the weird thing is, when I'm facing my juniors in art club and ppl from religion, i be.. MYSELF. as in, really really very little restriction. I wonder why. How did I notice this? 'Cause they asked,
" You have boyfriend right? ",
"Huh? No." << [I dragged the 'no' btw.]
"Liar, you so pretty"
"Huh?! I'm not....Nobody likes me lah."
"Why?"
"Er.. cause i don't really talk in class?"
"Okay what, you very funny ; don't seem like the quiet sort"
"...Hmm *thinking*"<< [That's when I realised.]
then some random junior said,
"If I were a guy, I confirm choose you."
"...Lol, then valentine's day send me present lor *laughs*"

Then I also realised that i'm the only senior sitting with a table full of juniors. ONLY ME. LOL.

Today I gave up my seat to a random old auntie. Things like this are usually common to me, but... Normal teenagers don't do that. 'cause they don't dare or like its kinda hard. So i'm thinking, how can I give up my seat casually, easily, but easy things like smiling, I find it hard to do instead? I can't even smile to ppl, how to say 'hi'? gg.

nvm, according to some random magazine, i'm supposed to make a very good friend tml.
YOSHA! *clenches fist* [ yes! in japanese ] LOL.
So i'm gonna try hard to smile tml. REALLY REALLY HARD.
DON'T BE A COWARD!!!!! YOU CAN DO THIS!!!! << sudden enthusiasm

oh shit. I forgot to return the chinese book back to the library -.-

Later~

2009-05-27T20:22:00.002+08:00

So now did I realise how dull my blog was. COOL. HAHA.
Apparently I checked the " How well do you know me" quiz results and a lot of people thought I was either ' as emo as I am now' or ' funny and weird' ... the first part was expected ; but funny or weird?! LOL.

In the end very little people thought of me as 'cold and distant'... So I was wrong? Was I actually sociable?! YAY!!! << trying to be enthusiastic.

One interesting answer that I got was from Mitchell. He ticked the answer that said I was, 'a mute that is not mute'. LOL. that answer was like totally random. I placed it there for fun, to fill up the space. Not bad man.

Rio actually thought I'd be happy if I made new friends. Well, yeah, who wouldn't be happy? See, I just made this really pervertic friend called yan ling [haha] who's really funny. But, compared with the choice of having 'school ends...forever', obviously I would choose having school to end forever. Duh, who wouldn't?

Who likes school please raise up your hand. Oi, you there, the person wearing a shirt, don't smile at yourself when you're looking at the computer.

okay lol. At least i'm trying to be more sociable; ya know.
I tried doing what the book said that I must do. " smile to everyone you see; starting with school".
And I did. Well, at least I'm trying. But like after 5 mins, my face began to ache. -.-
Okay, people with lots of friends would probably say, " learning how to make friends should be a natural thing, you shouldn't follow a book, it makes it so fake" , well yea, I totally agree. But for me, being isolated for so long has its consequences...

I forgot how to make friends. Seriously. You see, I swore to myself once that I would throw away all my emotions. Or at least, conceil it extremely well. So now, finding it back and SHOWING it to others is naturally hard.

I can swear to god that my intentions to make friends are all for the sake of goodness.

At least, ...for now... *evil grins*

Nah, i'm just joking. If I'm really evil, would I post it on my blog and tell everyone; HEY PEOPLE, I AM EVIL!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!
Impossible isn't it?

Later~

ITSELF

2009-05-26T14:57:00.002+08:00

2 interesting things:
1] I had my most boring sexual education program EVER. During the first part of the talk in the hall, the moment I sat down, I began yawning like crazy. Not to mention the speaker seems to have trouble pronouncing. But that's not the interesting part; okay.. I shall give you two sentences that he said. Try finding the weird part :

" ...in sex itself, you would get AIDS itself."
&
"....the coconut itself, would hit the head itself."

YES, ITS THE " ITSELF" . Isn't that very obvious? The weird thing is most of the people didn't realise this. AT ALL. They were like, "got meh?", " I dunno"...
Only some alert ones noticed. And according to the bored alert people, the speaker said "itself" 51 times. COOL. HAHA.

2] I bought my first educational book ever that is not fictional. And it costs me $14.
Yea, I don't believe it either. "Why didn't I buy more comics?" I asked myself. The funny thing is, this book is PINK in colour, with those fancy glittery letters in the title; which makes it utterly embarrassing to carry it around. AND TOTALLY NOT MY STYLE.
By now you should be curious; why did I bought a weird book that is so expensive, and on top of that, I hated it?
Check out the title : "how to win FRIENDS & influence PEOPLE for TEEN GIRLS - presented by Donna Dale Carnegie" Yea, who the hell is that.
I totally bought this book on a whim. 'cause I thought, I probably shouldn't be passive anymore. Hell, this book better make me proud.

That's all.

Awakened

2009-05-25T19:41:00.003+08:00

Realised two things :
1] my character is very much like kyoya from Ouran High School Host Club.
2] short words have more hidden meanings behind them, compared to long and lengthy ones;
and it is twice as powerful.

Therefore, decipher this :

" Rest in pieces. "

****

2009-05-24T12:53:00.001+08:00

From what happened on Thursday,
the last thing I need now..
is sexual education on Tuesday.

Screw school.

[back from chalet]

I swear. I hate this world.

2009-05-22T14:47:00.003+08:00

I hate this world.
I hate this world.
I hate this world.
I hate being a kid.

" kids can't talk while adults are talking "
" wait until you grow up "
" you don't understand, you're just a kid "
" don't be a crybaby any more "
" oh man, kids are so weak "
" what do you know? you're just a kid "

- I've had enough of all those nonsense.
ENOUGH. ITS ENOUGH.

I'm always at fault, i'm NEVER ever correct.
Why? Because i'm a kid.
" I can never be wrong, because i'm an adult. "
" You have to listen to what I say "
" Don't talk back! I'm ALWAYS correct! "

- even if they realised they're wrong, all they say is
" ... I DID THAT BECAUSE OF YOU!"
" I'm TRYING to do WHAT'S BEST FOR YOU "
" It's your fault that I'm doing that! "

yea yea yeah, its allll my fault. adults will never be wrong. kids will never be right.
I JUST ABOUT GOT ENOUGH OF THIS.

Every single day I got scolded. And she says its because of me.
" You started it "
" What?! You were the one who started scolding me! "
" Why do you have to make my life like this? "
" You think I'm happy with my life? You think I want this? I'm going crazy too! "
" I do everything for you "
" yah yah, I NEVER did anything for you; I never helped in this household AT ALL"
" You're the one with the bad temper "
" yah yah, You have a GREAT temper. OH i'm so sorry, it's ALL MY FAULT "
" If you don't like me, find another mother! I'm not like your friend's mothers, I'm not so nice "
" Did I force you to give birth to me? I'm your kid, you should be responsible!"
" I'm doing my best, and now I can see that it was all worthless. Have you done anything so great like i've done?
"And here I thought mother's love is supposed to be the greatest; that they would never ask anything in return. "

What, you think I don't want to be an enthusiastic kid like hermann and be happy everyday?
Have you ever thought what made me turn out this way?
Have you ever tried to find out how I am facing my life?
Have you tried trusting me FOR ONCE?
Have you ever believed in me?
- All you do is push me down.
- All you think is that i'm the worst kid ever
- All you think is how great you are, and how bad I am
- All you say is that, " i'm such a good person with such a good character, why did my kid turn out this way?"
- All you think is that I give you no "face"
You think I'm a loser.
You think I can't do anything.
You think I'm weak.
You think i'm untrustworthy.
And that when I say i'm going for atp, i'm actually out there somewhere playing with guys.
WTF.
You think i'm the only kid who swears. Considering I only swore ONCE in front of you.
You think I couldn't get any worse.
When you go for parent-teacher-meeting, and the teacher says, " Pei Zhen is a sweet-natured girl who hands in her homework on time; very quiet and obedient.", you doubt the teacher. ANd me.
Just because I don't like to do homework at home, you think I don't have any, and all I do is play the computer.
You want me to be more sociable, but just after a few sentences, you start screaming at me.

Please, I beg you.
Trust me.
Believe in me.
And love me.

I can't take it anymore.
It's enough.
I don't wanna cry every single day.
I can't never be happy again.

I didn't make myself turn out this way.
WHO made me this way?

OH I FORGOT. ITS ALL MY FAULT ISN'T IT?

hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate
Its enough Its enough Its enough Its enough
Not anymore Not anymore Not anymore

Things will never be the same again.

You make me doubt that I'm your child.

wtf

2009-05-21T20:12:00.003+08:00

I've had many worst days of my life. But today...
Worst. Ever.

I'm not gonna make it easy for you guys to understand, since i'm not really in the mood to; so this post would be messy, disturbing, short, and true.

I had a bad dream, and when I woke up the first thing I thought was " I don't want to go school today".
If only I followed my feelings...

Usual routine to walk to the mrt..
Next thing I know, I saw a flasher. WTF.
I'm not a dirty kid, so i've never seen THAT before. I don't really want to describe the details, but it totally sucked. And it was utterly disturbing. And I wanted to kill that guy.- kill him.

It was disgusting. It freaked the hell out of me. I flinched, but continued walking. My hands shook like crazy. I held on to my bag tightly. I tried to control my emotions. And succeeded. My face remained the same.
Then my head went blank. Then I felt like crying. But I held on my tears. Throughout the ride to school, tears were in my eyes, but it didn't flow out. I held it back. Until I reached school. Cried for about 3 mins. [because I can't let people know I cried]
Only cheryl knew I cried, but she didn't know why.

School sucked. Everything today just went utterly wrong.

Then art club.
... I thought I could handle the situation already. Didn't felt like crying anymore.

5.45pm. On my way home. A lot of people. A lot of adults. A lot of adults MALE.
Then started shivering like this morning. My hand couldn't stop shaking. Grabbed my wallet so tight until it could tear off. Swear words filled my head. Possibly because I was afraid. And I wanted to cry again. I was afraid I would see that guy again. I don't want. No more...

"Pei Zhen don't cry. Pei Zhen don't cry. Pei Zhen don't cry. You can't cry. You won't cry. Hold it in, hold it in, hold it all in. At least wait until you reach home. Until home."
- I repeated these things in my head. Repeated and repeated.

I flinched every single time a person touches me; or bump into me.
But I held on my tears. I won't cry. Not infront of people.

Walked past the place where I saw him.
A tear went out. My eyes were especially reactive now.
I could see or feel, every single thing that moved.
And was twice as frightened.
"Somebody save me."
"Anyone..."
"...Save me."
I was really really afraid. My hands went cold.

Arrived at doorstep. Couldn't hold on any longer.
I cried.
And cried.
And .. cried.

Stopped crying.
And started crying again.
And again.
I couldn't stop.
I didn't wanted to go out anymore.
But mum said I couldn't run away.

I know i'm weak.
But I am a girl afterall.
...

I'm cold. '

Kill that guy.
I hate this world.

Bored

2009-05-20T16:16:00.003+08:00

Just changed my sitting arrangement. Losing the fan was a bad thing, but the seat was not too bad. I got closer to the window, with a great view outside. Normally, I would be more than glad to sit inside.. But I realised sitting outside was much more better; I could see a better view of the sky. My wonderful beautiful sky. The rest of the year will probably consists of more daydreaming.

But I'm terribly bored. I want a typewriter for my birthday [ I want a headphone too]; for the obvious reasons, I wanna type.
Type what?
Everything in my head.
There are too much things in my head right now. And writing is really by far too slow and hard to read. I want to clear my mind. Or I'll probably go insane.

Lately .. or rather now, everything is becoming more and more boring. And boredom is the worst ever feeling to me. I may lack emotions, but I just can't stand being bored.

Predictable. Everything is so predictable. Although... some things, even after predicting that they would react that way, still feels a little painful.

Save me.
From this stupid boring place.

L .O .L

2009-05-19T20:33:00.003+08:00

Okay. I forgot who, but there has been quite a lot of people telling me i'm too cold, and that I should be more feminine. So yesterday I tried acting cute in front of the mirror.

It worked. Seriously, unbelievably.
For a second, I seemed like those kind of kawaii girls in neoprints.
But. Just for a second.
Why can't it last?
Cause I almost vomited.
Goosebumps rose up faster than the speed of lightning.
Yea, being cute is just not me.
And the goosebumps remained until like an hour later.
LOL. I'm seriously not exaggerating.

Anyway, thought of this short poem just now when I saw a woman impatiently pressing the traffic light button. Apparently, it didn't work. More like, the traffic light was blinking when she arrived, and before it went off, she was already pressing her hand off.

You wait for the traffic lights
The traffic lights does not wait for you
Ignorant humans, frustrated souls
What does such impatience bring?
Just another accident, in this big city of ours.

yea, lame. It isn't really completed yet. Who cares anyway.
I also did a drawing of a church bell. Which has a grandfather clock's structure.
...More like just a random drawing actually. And then I did another poem based on that:

Upon the ring of an unbalanced bell,
a wish would be granted.
Beneath the howling screams of the wind,
it shall be delivered.
Whose wish was it?
What dreams would it bring?
It doesn't matter,
for the bell stopped ringing.

Apparently, this unbalanced bell can grant wishes. Yea, my mind's weird.
Oh yea, I finally got my timing in 2.4km run. I ran my fastest ever with 15 mins 22 seconds.
Could have ran faster, but I'm pleased with it already.
Okay, gotta go read more manga. Ciao/

Current subjects failed : 0
Current C's : 2
Current B's : I forgot
Current A's : 0

Shit.

bleach 96

2009-05-16T09:53:00.002+08:00

Reading bleach 96. Fast huh, haha.
Can't wait for the espadas. Hey don't you think that its weird that ichigo himself can defeat some captains when the espadas can defeat him easily? That means, the espada can easily defeat the captains of soul society without even trying... So why won't they attack soul society? They'll win, seriously. hmm... weird huh.

Anyway I did a quiz that said I was espada number 4 , if i'm among all those espadas. Cool. He is way hot and really cool. HAHA.
This is what it said :

#4: Ulquiorra Schiffer.

Quiet, calm, and stoic, so much so he rarely changes his facial expression. He could easily be called the emo of the group. You have a very analytical mind and are very loyal.

17th June.

2009-05-15T15:26:00.004+08:00

Reading the 19th chapter of Bleach now. I've known the storyline for a long time, as in, I saw the anime till very behind.. decided to read the manga for the first time. Ichigo was okay, but I really liked Hitsugaya.

Now did I realized, Ichigo's mother died on my birthday.
Of course she isn't real...
but..

A lot of manga writers like to have their characters die on 17th of June.
I wonder why.

That's all, just thought its some interesting news to share. That the main character of bleach had his mother died on my birthday. woo.

Oh and, Ichigo's a kind hearted boy. Who is to blame, the fact that you can see ghosts?

"It wasn't your fault. "

oh shut the hell up.

2009-05-15T13:29:00.003+08:00

Adults should reflect on their character and unclass-ness. It is affecting US, children. Who made the kids nowadays so vulgar? So disrespectful? It's all because of you adults who give us the bad example, we just merely copied you!

Seriously. You have to complain about MY behavior to another adult, another outsider? The hell? What a corrupted world. The more I see it, the more I hate it.

Adults bumping into people purposely when there is so much space.
Adults blocking the doorway pridefully in the mrt train.
Adults scolding people without any meaning behind it.
Adults doing things that they shouldn't do, and when we ask they say
" because I am older than you, I can control you, you can't control me."

3 words.

GET. A. LIFE.

You ruin this wonderful world. You complain, but we can't. You scream, but if you do you say we have no manners. We can't tell you what is right, only YOU can tell us what to do. You say studying is easy, but when I ask you about homework, you can't do a single damn shit right.

This post is dedicated to adults, and even more to parents. Please understand what you're doing wrong. Stop scolding us meaninglessly, and apologize when you are at the wrong. You teach us to say "sorry", but when you are at the wrong, you scold us even more to prove that you are right, even though you know that it is wrong. Are adults such prideful vain people until they can't even say "sorry"? If you can't do it, don't expect US to.

And what's up with calling other adult parents for help with your children and complaining about US? It makes me seem like such a spiteful brat; the way you tell others. They don't know the whole story. Wtf, and when they look at me, they all think i'm just an unfilial, ignorant piece of crap. I am your child. YOU should teach me. NOT THEM. THEY can't do anything. If you don't like me, why the hell did you bring me to this world? What, I forced you to give birth to me? But you don't see me going around telling people about my family, so why should you? You're the one scolding, not the victim! I am quiet, so should you.

Shut up.

Case of kid with no childhood

2009-04-30T17:55:00.006+08:00

How can anyone hate baseball? It totally rules.

I was totally wipe-out by the two exams. Feeling VERY blank now. Which means empty, kinda. I realised I don't have any childhood recently, when I see the show fighting spiders.

Isn't it fun to run around, getting chased by people and chasing back, exploring places that you've never seen before, get freaked out by ghosts and having a good laugh after that? I really wanna try climbing trees, it looks like great fun. I think its illegal to climb trees in Singapore... *sighs*

I wanna have some fun. I wanna explore caves and run out screaming because there are lots of bats around. I wanna sell weird stuff like spiders. I wanna skip school. Do you think I like playing in front of computers every single day? NO. I DON'T.

I only play because there's nothing better to do... And i've practically played every game available. I'm bored of all those stupid games already. I want life with surprises everyday, I wanna have an adventure... I want to invent stuff that has no use at all, and roll in the mud, beat some people up, and throw insects at people. I just want to run around everyday and have fun. I want to have a group of real friends, probably guys, since girls are scared of EVERYTHING. I wanna scold vulgarities, like its nobody's business. I wanna be rude, I wanna be late. I want to have confidence and stand up for myself. I don't wanna be A COWARD.

BUT NO, my life now is totally and absolutely different.

I don't talk much, I can laugh and smile, but it doesn't reach my eyes. I play computer everyday, more like, I just on the computer and randomly click stuff until the day is over. I get stuck in school for 6 hours a day, not counting transportation time. I don't have a lot of friends, and I don't go out. I can't run around, because its uncool [ hello, i'm 15 already] , I think people who scream are stupid. More like I can't scream EVEN if I tried.

I have girl friends, because if you have too much guy friends, people will say you are a flirt. [ yeah, wtf, most girls suck ] If you invent something that has no use, people will say that you are dumb, so I always try not to do things that are dumb. I don't like to touch people and I don't like them to touch me, so obviously I can't beat them up.

I hate PE practically because I don't have the guts to play anything. [ even though I badly want to ] I obviously can't climb trees but i'm quite good with climbing playground stuff. [ but i'm currently over-aged to play anything ]. Even when I'm bullied, I do nothing. [ More like I CAN'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT.]

I'm a freaking introvert and I hate it. I'm bored with everything in my life. I can't be rude, i'm always on time, never been late for school, never been to detention [ i know, i can't believe it either ], and yeah, i'm a coward.

In summary, I'm totally different on the outside and the inside. [ gemini <3]> i hate it. i wanna be

rise my puppets, its time for a new era.

Today

just this time

The last wish.

Trying my best..

What am i supposed to say when the best part of me is always you.

Wanna know something? Loving you is the Second Best thing I ever did.. . .. ... Because.. Finding you is the First. :)

怕。

Sorry.

Just for you

black love

My personality

INTP Relationships

Guilt

i'm sorry.

女孩

:'(

Follow it.

not here.

roses or thorns?

THE WORLD HAS CHANGED

WTF

Tired

LOVE

BORED

:l

this shouldn't be posted.

Oral

invisibility?

so shingz right? wow.

Untitled

okay okay 2

Okay okay

GREAT.

things to do

trying out

untitled.

im begging with two hands now

One piece :D

liar. liar. liars.

name

woo

:D

shugo chara

Honestly, what the hell.

Charming

Story

Pure romance

Renge's visit

Mushi

? I don't know.

6th sept.

I see...

I HATE THURSDAYS

dream..

been long

I really wish, I could be selfish for once.

I don't know anymore.

TUITION

MAPLE.

@.@

-.- MUMS SUCK

WOO!

Juniors are cute

Later~

ITSELF

Awakened

****

I swear. I hate this world.

wtf

Bored

L .O .L

bleach 96

17th June.

oh shut the hell up.

Case of kid with no childhood

Wanna know something?
Loving you is the Second Best thing I ever did..
.
..
...
Because..
Finding you is the First. :)