First day of school holidays. A bit unreal. Feel like playing maple again [ heard that there's an episode two in the game ] but it didn't work. And downloading is like 5 days long. wtf? *yawns*.
Feeling very slacky today. Saw rio's blog and the pictures were somehow entertaining. Anyway, I've got primary 6/1 gathering at 5th june, ben's birthday at tml, my birthday at 17th june, 26-29 june got camp and.. I've got history bbq at.. AT WHEN AH OH SHIT I FORGOT.
Anyway, i'm gonna be busy. *sighs*

holy crap my results sucked.
I WANNA PLAY POKEMON AND MAPLE.
ARGH.
feista, pi story, cabal and getamped is lame. dont ever ask me to play that AGAIN.
bored bored bored
BOOOOOORRRREEEEEDDD.
I wanna jump down, so boring today~~

OKAY, MY MOTHER JUST THREW MY REPORT BOOK ON THE FLOOR.
@%!@&*$

She is trying to tell me that i suck and i need tuition.
She thought I got like freaking the lowest.
Have she got any idea that there is still 80+ ppl in express behind me?!

YOU SO SMART YOU GO STUDY FOR ME LAH.
THATS WHY I HATE MATHS.
IT REMINDS ME OF YOU AND SIS.

You don't know anything so don't give me the, I-can-do-better, you're-so-stupid face.

End.
Of.
School.

HELL YEA.


Oh shit. I forgot to smile. I forgot that i'm supposed to make a great friend today. NOOOO!
*pulls hair*. Nothing changed. Again. *sighs*.

TML IS THE LAST DAY OF SCHOOL. OMG THE DAY HAD FINALLY ARRIVED.
WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Okay, the weird thing is, when I'm facing my juniors in art club and ppl from religion, i be.. MYSELF. as in, really really very little restriction. I wonder why. How did I notice this? 'Cause they asked,
" You have boyfriend right? ",
"Huh? No." << [I dragged the 'no' btw.]
"Liar, you so pretty"
"Huh?! I'm not....Nobody likes me lah."
"Why?"
"Er.. cause i don't really talk in class?"
"Okay what, you very funny ; don't seem like the quiet sort"
"...Hmm *thinking*"<< [That's when I realised.]
then some random junior said,
"If I were a guy, I confirm choose you."
"...Lol, then valentine's day send me present lor *laughs*"

Then I also realised that i'm the only senior sitting with a table full of juniors. ONLY ME. LOL.

Today I gave up my seat to a random old auntie. Things like this are usually common to me, but... Normal teenagers don't do that. 'cause they don't dare or like its kinda hard. So i'm thinking, how can I give up my seat casually, easily, but easy things like smiling, I find it hard to do instead? I can't even smile to ppl, how to say 'hi'? gg.

nvm, according to some random magazine, i'm supposed to make a very good friend tml.
YOSHA! *clenches fist* [ yes! in japanese ] LOL.
So i'm gonna try hard to smile tml. REALLY REALLY HARD.
DON'T BE A COWARD!!!!! YOU CAN DO THIS!!!! << sudden enthusiasm

oh shit. I forgot to return the chinese book back to the library -.-

So now did I realise how dull my blog was. COOL. HAHA.
Apparently I checked the " How well do you know me" quiz results and a lot of people thought I was either ' as emo as I am now' or ' funny and weird' ... the first part was expected ; but funny or weird?! LOL.

In the end very little people thought of me as 'cold and distant'... So I was wrong? Was I actually sociable?! YAY!!! << trying to be enthusiastic.

One interesting answer that I got was from Mitchell. He ticked the answer that said I was, 'a mute that is not mute'. LOL. that answer was like totally random. I placed it there for fun, to fill up the space. Not bad man.

Rio actually thought I'd be happy if I made new friends. Well, yeah, who wouldn't be happy? See, I just made this really pervertic friend called yan ling [haha] who's really funny. But, compared with the choice of having 'school ends...forever', obviously I would choose having school to end forever. Duh, who wouldn't?

Who likes school please raise up your hand. Oi, you there, the person wearing a shirt, don't smile at yourself when you're looking at the computer.

okay lol. At least i'm trying to be more sociable; ya know.
I tried doing what the book said that I must do. " smile to everyone you see; starting with school".
And I did. Well, at least I'm trying. But like after 5 mins, my face began to ache. -.-
Okay, people with lots of friends would probably say, " learning how to make friends should be a natural thing, you shouldn't follow a book, it makes it so fake" , well yea, I totally agree. But for me, being isolated for so long has its consequences...

I forgot how to make friends. Seriously. You see, I swore to myself once that I would throw away all my emotions. Or at least, conceil it extremely well. So now, finding it back and SHOWING it to others is naturally hard.

I can swear to god that my intentions to make friends are all for the sake of goodness.

At least, ...for now... *evil grins*

Nah, i'm just joking. If I'm really evil, would I post it on my blog and tell everyone; HEY PEOPLE, I AM EVIL!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!
Impossible isn't it?

Later~

2 interesting things:
1] I had my most boring sexual education program EVER. During the first part of the talk in the hall, the moment I sat down, I began yawning like crazy. Not to mention the speaker seems to have trouble pronouncing. But that's not the interesting part; okay.. I shall give you two sentences that he said. Try finding the weird part :

" ...in sex itself, you would get AIDS itself."
&
"....the coconut itself, would hit the head itself."

YES, ITS THE " ITSELF" . Isn't that very obvious? The weird thing is most of the people didn't realise this. AT ALL. They were like, "got meh?", " I dunno"...
Only some alert ones noticed. And according to the bored alert people, the speaker said "itself" 51 times. COOL. HAHA.

2] I bought my first educational book ever that is not fictional. And it costs me $14.
Yea, I don't believe it either. "Why didn't I buy more comics?" I asked myself. The funny thing is, this book is PINK in colour, with those fancy glittery letters in the title; which makes it utterly embarrassing to carry it around. AND TOTALLY NOT MY STYLE.
By now you should be curious; why did I bought a weird book that is so expensive, and on top of that, I hated it?
Check out the title : "how to win FRIENDS & influence PEOPLE for TEEN GIRLS - presented by Donna Dale Carnegie" Yea, who the hell is that.
I totally bought this book on a whim. 'cause I thought, I probably shouldn't be passive anymore. Hell, this book better make me proud.

That's all.

Realised two things :
1] my character is very much like kyoya from Ouran High School Host Club.
2] short words have more hidden meanings behind them, compared to long and lengthy ones;
and it is twice as powerful.

Therefore, decipher this :

" Rest in pieces. "

From what happened on Thursday,
the last thing I need now..
is sexual education on Tuesday.

Screw school.




[back from chalet]

I hate this world.
I hate this world.
I hate this world.
I hate being a kid.

" kids can't talk while adults are talking "
" wait until you grow up "
" you don't understand, you're just a kid "
" don't be a crybaby any more "
" oh man, kids are so weak "
" what do you know? you're just a kid "

- I've had enough of all those nonsense.
ENOUGH. ITS ENOUGH.

I'm always at fault, i'm NEVER ever correct.
Why? Because i'm a kid.
" I can never be wrong, because i'm an adult. "
" You have to listen to what I say "
" Don't talk back! I'm ALWAYS correct! "

- even if they realised they're wrong, all they say is
" ... I DID THAT BECAUSE OF YOU!"
" I'm TRYING to do WHAT'S BEST FOR YOU "
" It's your fault that I'm doing that! "

yea yea yeah, its allll my fault. adults will never be wrong. kids will never be right.
I JUST ABOUT GOT ENOUGH OF THIS.

Every single day I got scolded. And she says its because of me.
" You started it "
" What?! You were the one who started scolding me! "
" Why do you have to make my life like this? "
" You think I'm happy with my life? You think I want this? I'm going crazy too! "
" I do everything for you "
" yah yah, I NEVER did anything for you; I never helped in this household AT ALL"
" You're the one with the bad temper "
" yah yah, You have a GREAT temper. OH i'm so sorry, it's ALL MY FAULT "
" If you don't like me, find another mother! I'm not like your friend's mothers, I'm not so nice "
" Did I force you to give birth to me? I'm your kid, you should be responsible!"
" I'm doing my best, and now I can see that it was all worthless. Have you done anything so great like i've done?
"And here I thought mother's love is supposed to be the greatest; that they would never ask anything in return. "



What, you think I don't want to be an enthusiastic kid like hermann and be happy everyday?
Have you ever thought what made me turn out this way?
Have you ever tried to find out how I am facing my life?
Have you tried trusting me FOR ONCE?
Have you ever believed in me?
- All you do is push me down.
- All you think is that i'm the worst kid ever
- All you think is how great you are, and how bad I am
- All you say is that, " i'm such a good person with such a good character, why did my kid turn out this way?"
- All you think is that I give you no "face"
You think I'm a loser.
You think I can't do anything.
You think I'm weak.
You think i'm untrustworthy.
And that when I say i'm going for atp, i'm actually out there somewhere playing with guys.
WTF.
You think i'm the only kid who swears. Considering I only swore ONCE in front of you.
You think I couldn't get any worse.
When you go for parent-teacher-meeting, and the teacher says, " Pei Zhen is a sweet-natured girl who hands in her homework on time; very quiet and obedient.", you doubt the teacher. ANd me.
Just because I don't like to do homework at home, you think I don't have any, and all I do is play the computer.
You want me to be more sociable, but just after a few sentences, you start screaming at me.

Please, I beg you.
Trust me.
Believe in me.
And love me.

I can't take it anymore.
It's enough.
I don't wanna cry every single day.
I can't never be happy again.

I didn't make myself turn out this way.
WHO made me this way?

OH I FORGOT. ITS ALL MY FAULT ISN'T IT?


hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate
Its enough Its enough Its enough Its enough
Not anymore Not anymore Not anymore

Things will never be the same again.

You make me doubt that I'm your child.

I've had many worst days of my life. But today...
Worst. Ever.

I'm not gonna make it easy for you guys to understand, since i'm not really in the mood to; so this post would be messy, disturbing, short, and true.

I had a bad dream, and when I woke up the first thing I thought was " I don't want to go school today".
If only I followed my feelings...

Usual routine to walk to the mrt..
Next thing I know, I saw a flasher. WTF.
I'm not a dirty kid, so i've never seen THAT before. I don't really want to describe the details, but it totally sucked. And it was utterly disturbing. And I wanted to kill that guy.- kill him.

It was disgusting. It freaked the hell out of me. I flinched, but continued walking. My hands shook like crazy. I held on to my bag tightly. I tried to control my emotions. And succeeded. My face remained the same.
Then my head went blank. Then I felt like crying. But I held on my tears. Throughout the ride to school, tears were in my eyes, but it didn't flow out. I held it back. Until I reached school. Cried for about 3 mins. [because I can't let people know I cried]
Only cheryl knew I cried, but she didn't know why.

School sucked. Everything today just went utterly wrong.

Then art club.
... I thought I could handle the situation already. Didn't felt like crying anymore.

5.45pm. On my way home. A lot of people. A lot of adults. A lot of adults MALE.
Then started shivering like this morning. My hand couldn't stop shaking. Grabbed my wallet so tight until it could tear off. Swear words filled my head. Possibly because I was afraid. And I wanted to cry again. I was afraid I would see that guy again. I don't want. No more...

"Pei Zhen don't cry. Pei Zhen don't cry. Pei Zhen don't cry. You can't cry. You won't cry. Hold it in, hold it in, hold it all in. At least wait until you reach home. Until home."
- I repeated these things in my head. Repeated and repeated.

I flinched every single time a person touches me; or bump into me.
But I held on my tears. I won't cry. Not infront of people.

Walked past the place where I saw him.
A tear went out. My eyes were especially reactive now.
I could see or feel, every single thing that moved.
And was twice as frightened.
"Somebody save me."
"Anyone..."
"...Save me."
I was really really afraid. My hands went cold.

Arrived at doorstep. Couldn't hold on any longer.
I cried.
And cried.
And .. cried.

Stopped crying.
And started crying again.
And again.
I couldn't stop.
I didn't wanted to go out anymore.
But mum said I couldn't run away.

I know i'm weak.
But I am a girl afterall.
...

I'm cold. '

Kill that guy.
I hate this world.

Just changed my sitting arrangement. Losing the fan was a bad thing, but the seat was not too bad. I got closer to the window, with a great view outside. Normally, I would be more than glad to sit inside.. But I realised sitting outside was much more better; I could see a better view of the sky. My wonderful beautiful sky. The rest of the year will probably consists of more daydreaming.

But I'm terribly bored. I want a typewriter for my birthday [ I want a headphone too]; for the obvious reasons, I wanna type.
Type what?
Everything in my head.
There are too much things in my head right now. And writing is really by far too slow and hard to read. I want to clear my mind. Or I'll probably go insane.

Lately .. or rather now, everything is becoming more and more boring. And boredom is the worst ever feeling to me. I may lack emotions, but I just can't stand being bored.

Predictable. Everything is so predictable. Although... some things, even after predicting that they would react that way, still feels a little painful.


Save me.
From this stupid boring place.

Okay. I forgot who, but there has been quite a lot of people telling me i'm too cold, and that I should be more feminine. So yesterday I tried acting cute in front of the mirror.

It worked. Seriously, unbelievably.
For a second, I seemed like those kind of kawaii girls in neoprints.
But. Just for a second.
Why can't it last?
Cause I almost vomited.
Goosebumps rose up faster than the speed of lightning.
Yea, being cute is just not me.
And the goosebumps remained until like an hour later.
LOL. I'm seriously not exaggerating.

Anyway, thought of this short poem just now when I saw a woman impatiently pressing the traffic light button. Apparently, it didn't work. More like, the traffic light was blinking when she arrived, and before it went off, she was already pressing her hand off.


yea, lame. It isn't really completed yet. Who cares anyway.
I also did a drawing of a church bell. Which has a grandfather clock's structure.
...More like just a random drawing actually. And then I did another poem based on that:

Reading bleach 96. Fast huh, haha.
Can't wait for the espadas. Hey don't you think that its weird that ichigo himself can defeat some captains when the espadas can defeat him easily? That means, the espada can easily defeat the captains of soul society without even trying... So why won't they attack soul society? They'll win, seriously. hmm... weird huh.

Anyway I did a quiz that said I was espada number 4 , if i'm among all those espadas. Cool. He is way hot and really cool. HAHA.
This is what it said :

Reading the 19th chapter of Bleach now. I've known the storyline for a long time, as in, I saw the anime till very behind.. decided to read the manga for the first time. Ichigo was okay, but I really liked Hitsugaya.

Now did I realized, Ichigo's mother died on my birthday.
Of course she isn't real...
but..

A lot of manga writers like to have their characters die on 17th of June.
I wonder why.

That's all, just thought its some interesting news to share. That the main character of bleach had his mother died on my birthday. woo.

Oh and, Ichigo's a kind hearted boy. Who is to blame, the fact that you can see ghosts?




"It wasn't your fault. "

Adults should reflect on their character and unclass-ness. It is affecting US, children. Who made the kids nowadays so vulgar? So disrespectful? It's all because of you adults who give us the bad example, we just merely copied you!

Seriously. You have to complain about MY behavior to another adult, another outsider? The hell? What a corrupted world. The more I see it, the more I hate it.

Adults bumping into people purposely when there is so much space.
Adults blocking the doorway pridefully in the mrt train.
Adults scolding people without any meaning behind it.
Adults doing things that they shouldn't do, and when we ask they say
" because I am older than you, I can control you, you can't control me."

3 words.

GET. A. LIFE.

You ruin this wonderful world. You complain, but we can't. You scream, but if you do you say we have no manners. We can't tell you what is right, only YOU can tell us what to do. You say studying is easy, but when I ask you about homework, you can't do a single damn shit right.

This post is dedicated to adults, and even more to parents. Please understand what you're doing wrong. Stop scolding us meaninglessly, and apologize when you are at the wrong. You teach us to say "sorry", but when you are at the wrong, you scold us even more to prove that you are right, even though you know that it is wrong. Are adults such prideful vain people until they can't even say "sorry"? If you can't do it, don't expect US to.

And what's up with calling other adult parents for help with your children and complaining about US? It makes me seem like such a spiteful brat; the way you tell others. They don't know the whole story. Wtf, and when they look at me, they all think i'm just an unfilial, ignorant piece of crap. I am your child. YOU should teach me. NOT THEM. THEY can't do anything. If you don't like me, why the hell did you bring me to this world? What, I forced you to give birth to me? But you don't see me going around telling people about my family, so why should you? You're the one scolding, not the victim! I am quiet, so should you.

Shut up.