Yea, been so long since i've updated. There were some busy stuff and well, yea.

Thought a lot today. Well my hobby is to do nothing and think all day. But it has not been successful nowadays. There are too many things to bother about... Too many distractions.
Recently my inner self has been coming out a lot. Maybe too much.
I used to thought that if my inner self comes out and eventually takes over the self I am now, I would be happier, and less gloomy and cold. Which is basically true, but wrong at the same time. I thought about it a lot today. Basically analyzed everything, and i found out I was wrong.

My inner self came out because nowadays i'm lonely. Too lonely. That I thought I couldn't take it anymore. Someone told me that I needed someone to care, someone to love me. And I believed. How wrong I was, now that I thought of it. How would I be too lonely? I was lonely in the first place. Its just my inner self thats making things wrong. I don't need love. I never needed love.

Hell, like as if normal emotions wasn't confusing enough. Love is useless, its just a distraction. It kills you, bring you alive, and kill you again. People call this "process of love", I call this waste of time and effort, and getting nothing in return. I don't care if I never get loved, never settled down and get married, since all I wanted was to have a son, not a lover. I could adopt him, teach him values, teach him principles that i've taught myself, that life was cruel, and give him all my fortune [if i ever have one] to him. All without a lover.

If i ever needed to settle down with a guy, I would. But not now.

Be happy? i AM happy now. Before when I thought I needed to get rid of this solitary, I was unhappy. I was confused, unconfident, felt that I was inferior from other girls, tired, and my inner self took over. I hate that. Now that I got rid of those irritating human desires, I AM HAPPY. I AM BACK. To what i've been before. In my life, there isn't a need for a light to lead my way. I will crave my own road, no matter how dark it is. I've done it before, being lonely my whole life, I don't need someone else to bring me down.

See, this is the good thing about watching sad animes, it reminds me of what i've forgotten about my past, and brings the sadness back. It hurts but it pulls the inner self back. I can't change. I won't change. For if I change and be happy, I'll forget why I changed in the first place. I was weak, and I fell. But then I changed and grew strong, climbing my way out. Now I forgot how hard I worked, and slowly slowly lose my mind, allowing myself to show my weak side, and demand for sympathy... To hell with those thoughts. I'm refreshed, and I feel strong and confident now. I don't need your sympathy.

I know people will ask why I don't wanna be happy. I'll tell you why. If i din't change, I would still like pink. I will be smart, hyper-active, always laughing, but very flirty. And, i would be those kinda girls who never go home and hangs outside all day long with guys. I would waste money on materialistic goods, and I would have no principles. I will have curfew and be grounded. I would be the girl everyone else out there is. And the type of girl I never wanted to be.

I didn't notice.. But I'm becoming more and more daring. I thought this was me "opening" up, but I was actually getting influenced. Me, getting influenced... That was a huge mistake.
But I woke up now. Awaken, and still early. Thank god it wasn't too late. Thank god I realised.

I feel strong now, I feel capable. I no longer feel unwanted or extra anymore. I wasn't part of it anyway.
oh yea, i'm back alright.


i've done enough socializing.