okay. this is private. i know. But I can't bear it anymore. I need help. Please. Anyone. Tell me if i'm wrong.

Let's take this scene.

You're up REALLY late doing stupid homework for crappy teachers. Everyone is sleeping and the only light on is from your room. You're upset, frustrated and lonely. You probably msged people so that you might be less bored.
But only one replied.
Of course, its like 1am at night and everyone else is sleeping.
But this guy replied you. He gave up his sleep to reply you.
You tell yourself this is normal but you are obviously touched. You feel happy.
He tells you to go to sleep. How sweet.
You tell him to go to sleep too.
Then he tells you to sleep first.
And this returning of texts back and forth continues.
Then you realise he cares for you. He cares about you sleeping early when your parents don't.
He takes your health into consideration.
You tell yourself he's just being a good friend, in fact he even has a gf.
But then you ask yourself, would a friend go into such lengths?
...Maybe, he likes you.

Then take this scene from that guy's girlfriend.

You were just randomly playing around with your bf's phone the next day. And you're obviously curious about who he talks to. You are also trying to get to know him better.
Then you come across the girl's msges.
" :) Doing hw and stuff hahas. You go sleep la :D..." ,
" aw. Go sleep now la!!... :))"
"waiting for you.. hahahas joking joking...."
Then you look at the time.
0.02,..... 1.23am....
AND YOU TOLD HIM TO SLEEP EARLY THAT DAY.
You are too pissed off to even see how he replied. Or even continue reading the other msges.

And he asks you why you're angry.
You explain. He says that he is just being concerned as a friend.
That they have nothing between them.
He says he was just worried about her and her schoolwork...it was really late and stuff.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

okay. the gf was me.
I know he did nothing wrong.

To him it was just a regular msg and a concern for a friend.
But what about to her?

If I were a girl. If i were in her shoes... I'll like him.
Someone who replied me in 1am is rare. Someone who bothered to care is rare.
Someone who tells me to sleep. Someone who teaches me how to fend off guys.
Someone who I can talk to. Someone whom I can face without putting on a facade.
Someone who likes me the way I am. Someone nice. Someone I know first, before his gf did.

And then I would take my chances and thinks he likes me back. Because he bothered. He cared. A girlfriend is no obstacle. They can always break up, and I can console him. Maybe he'll notice and find out i'm a lot better and I love him more.

^ THAT is wad a girl thinks.

I'm not blaming him. Guys take it as it is.

But does that mean I have no right to be jealous? Am I wrong to be angry? He is obviously giving off the wrong signals. People misunderstand... Girls think a lot about things. Honestly, I think it is really strange to msg someone so late at night, unless there is something important, like about tml things or urgent matters...

But... the msges held no content. In my point of view, its just basic flirting texts. Those kind of.. "why, you jealous ah xP" and " ya lor ya lo. jealous cannot ah. XDD".

One word. Gross.

Especially when you are attached.

I know you are not wrong. The girl is not wrong. Maybe I'm the one thats wrong.
I'm the only one stupid enough to care. Stupid enough to cry.

Honestly. The only time I will stop caring is when I stop loving.
I stood in your shoes. Can you stand in mine?
Am I really wrong to care that your relationship with the girl is really strange?
Why would a girl tell you about people chasing her? Why would she ask you about me?
SHE IS NOT SOME FRIEND. GOD DAMN IT WAKE UP.
A girl who really needs to solve girl-boy problems will ask another GIRL. Cause girls and boys do not think the same. Even if you lie to yourself there is nothing strange with her asking you... IT IS STRANGE.

There is only under 2 situations they will ask you.
They want you to get jealous and care.
They want to ask you how the guy feels. [guy opinion], like buying presents.

BUT. TEACHING HOW TO FEND OFF PEOPLE. DO NOT FALL UNDER THE SECOND ONE.

You tell me to trust you.
hell, do you know how hard it is?

People. LOTS of people betrayed me.
I locked myself in.

Now i'm opening to you. But I cannot make myself believe.
Do you want to know why?

I'm telling you why:
I don't want you and her to end up today someday and breaking up with you.
THEN end up telling myself I SHOULD HAVE known. I should have controlled you.
I should have done this and done that...
And regret like crazy.

I dont wanna end up like that.

I have regretted far too many things in life. I can't take my chances.
If there's ever one thing I wanted to do seriously...

I want to take love seriously.

I have NEVER. NEVER wanted something so bad.
I am not a possessive person. BUt.. I don't want to share!

How can you have the guts to msg someone else when I'm sleeping??
How can you flirt and feel that its NOTHING?

How can you think i'm too sensitive?
IF I HAD A GUY WHO MSGED ME LIKE THAT....

Let's see you sit still and feel NOTHING.
you think its nothing. IT MEANS EVERYTHING TO ME.

It is only these small details that count. These words, smiles, actions, that make people happy or sad.
You are caring about her, more than you care about me.

You come almost everyday. so? You can be one person when you're with me, but another when you are outside. One can truly trust the other is when the other person is the same with or without you. You are not. At least I feel.

This is not the first time.
Is it really my fault?

I have never had a relationship.
maybe to you, details like numbers, sleeping, msges, phones, smiles and actions... do not matter.
But it means the world to me.

You think of her as a friend.
I am trying to think of her as your normal friend.
DOES SHE THINK THE SAME?

i am insecure i know. I am stupid. I am foolish. I am selfish. I am ignorant. I am too sensitive. I am too easily angered.
But is it really just me?
Is it because I think too much, or is it because you think too little?
I don't want to hear excuses. I want you to think properly.

Is it because I am too childish? Is it because I am too young? Is it because of the age gap?
Or is it because you didn't thought it mattered.

I told you I don't like it. You do it.
I don't want to care. You asked me to.
Then I started to care. AND THEN you restricted me.

Wth do you want from me.

 AM i wrong?
Just a stupid crybaby?
Am i supposed to keep a blind eye?

Am i supposed to act like it doesn't matter?

i'm sorry im sorry im sorry.
I;m just seriously stupid. all your friends probably think so too...
I just want to love you...

its just that when I hold you..
You feel so far away...
You don't feel like mine...

I'm afraid you'll just go away.
Is it wrong to feel this way?
Is it wrong to feel the stabbing pain when I see you laughing and talking with some other girl?

I seriously tried not to care...
But I can't.
I can't...

You have no idea how hard it is to type this. How painful it is. How suffocating it is.
And you won't even read this.

Is it really just me? I can't care at all?
Am I really really wrong?
It's my fault?

damn it..

ciao.

Posted via web from city of boredom

So yea, people ask me what happen to my oral and stuff, so here's some interesting questions and replies from my chinese and english oral.

CHINESE ORAL [translated to english]

Teacher : So do you have any teacher that treats you like a friend?

Me : no.

Teacher stares at me.

I stare back.

Teacher : Do you have anything else to add?

Me : no.

Teacher : ... You can go now.

Me : Thanks.

[failing percentage : 80%]

ENGLISH ORAL

[ Beginning of the oral examination ]

Teacher : Okay, you can place you bags here and take it after you have taken your oral examination. Remember to SWITCH OFF your handphones and place them in your bags. UNLESS you want to challenge the system and get a zero.

-Everyone switches off their handphones-

..............................................................................

[ During examination ]

Teacher : What is good about blood donation?

Me : Urm.. It helps people and you will feel good about doing something good? Oh. And its also fun to see your blood outside your body.

Teacher laughs

.......................

Teacher : Who do you think should set a role model to everyone?

Me : Hmm... I think..er wait. You mean everyone AS IN ... everyone?

........................

Teacher : How do you think the healthcare system in singapore could be improved?

Me : ...what?

.......................

End of oral. I walked away with my bag.

Then I took out my not switched off handphone.

I had just challenged the system and won.

[failing percentage: 67%]

wow.
now i'm really freaking out.
haha.

ciaossu

Posted via web from city of boredom

... STOP FLIRTING IN FRONT OF MY EYES

DAMN IT I'M NOT BLIND.

Posted via web from city of boredom

haven't been posting in a while. In a LONG while.

People who are viewing this through my blogspot, please view here instead. [posterous] LOL.

Reason is simple. Its a lot less emo-er. Ha.

And its simple and plain. kinda cool actually o.o

So yea. what should I say.

I should start by saying all the things that I've kept in my head for the longest time..

1st by scolding people:

STOP being so immature folks. I mean, you're like saying all those shit about how young and KIDDY i am 'cause of my age. But what about you guys? You're like freaking old and yet you're being so childish. YES I REPEAT. CHILDISH. AND YOU'RE OLD. SO WHY NOT GROW UP?!

At least in my head i'm a hell lot mature than people your age. so grow up. THIS KID HERE IS TELLING YOU TO GROW UP. You should be ashamed. By growing up i'm telling you to stop making fun of me. Yea to you 'adults/ young teens' , its all fun and games when you make fun of people. BUT I DON'T LIKE IT. Especially when I'M SERIOUS.

I don't get serious easily, so when I do, I hate when people take it as a joke. If you laugh at what I do; who I am with or whatsoever, you are also LAUGHING AT ME.

You don't know me. So don't act like you do.

OH AND RESPECT MY PARENTS PLEASE. 

basic manners and respect please.

poor-mannered ADULTS have no right to criticize CHILDREN.

online freak show.

you are no longer young, uncles/aunties. face the truth and look at the mirror.

Explain myself :

So why did i start the new post by scolding?

reasons include :

-CAUSE THEY FREAKING DESERVE IT.

-i'm pissed i have no choice.

-they need to know

AND TO FURTHER EXPLAIN THE SITUATION:

I WILL NEVER HATE OR DISLIKE SOMEONE.

UNLESS

THEY HATE ME.

this is the basic : you hate me, i hate you

why? CAUSE I'M A KID.

HA. In your face.

BOOMZ.

ciaossu.

Posted via web from city of boredom