HA, eating my favorite tidbit with dried seaweed + cheese and other weird stuff,
plus drinking iced tea and watching computer now,
AND tml is the last day of school!
Woo! BANZAI!

[tho' that means i really SHOULD start studying] =="
lol but i dont care HAHA

i've got flowers of blissful-ness around me~
Hahaha~ I'm not gonna tell you why ~
*Sparkling eyes*
Ah~h i'm gonna melt away~~

Actually i'm just getting excited all by myself, not that smth really good happened or smth dramatic happened to my life, just smth really small and insignificiant to others, but it was good enough for me. WAHAHAHA ~
If only everyday were like today, maybe I could like school, just a little :3

..but i-i think, too much of that might be bad for my heart... I was so nervous I couldn't breathe properly =="

I think if THAT happened instead, I'll probably just faint~
But its still nice :DD

shhh...dont telll anyone :D

I love ikuto and tadase <3 LOL LOL
Ikuto is the first three pictures. He's the cool, hot, quiet and naughty guy :D [and and I love his violin! VIOLINS ARE DE BEST ]

Tadase is the last three pictures. He's cute, nice, kind and prince-like character :D [oh and I love his character change, where he changes to an arrogant, funny king that yearns for world dormination! HA same as me. THANKS THANKS ><]

I like them both. HAHA.
not sure why, but I like extreme people, as in either very dark people, or very sparkly and bright people.

PS: And Rima is freaking funny
"Basugasubakuhatsu" < try reading this really really fast'

HAHA

48:
tadase as a prince detective:
Your heart, I'll arrest it.

And I was like
" ARREST ME!!"
HAHA prince fan girl :D

what the hell am I to you?

Mum, tell me.
Last time it used to be sis and me, I was second, but at least I was noticed.
Then sis started to have bfs. And breakups. And o'levels. Your focus is on her, but it doesn't matter, because I'm third now [ sis and her bf is first and second] , but at least, sometimes, SOMETIMES, you still talk about me, touch my head, and talk good things about me.

Then now there's my godbrother. YOUR godson. Now i'm 4th. AND YOU TOTALLY DONT TALK ABOUT ME AT ALL. This morning I went down to have breakfast with my mum and sis, and they kept talking. About work, sis, sis's bf, mum herself, and the godson.
Nothing about me.

I sat there at the side listening to them talk. Waiting for them to talk about me, but all mum said about me was negative. Like I have NO good points at all. My heart hurts and I wanna cry but I didn't show. I told myself its alright... BUT ITS NOT.

I tried to talk, and I really did, 3 times in fact. But none of them noticed. Like I was not there... So I talked to myself. And they didn't noticed either.

I'm a human too. No matter how cold I am or how hard I try to be emotionless, I am human. So it hurts like shit. What am I to you mum? Am I so bad? What did I do wrong? Times like these, I wished I was a robot.

You always tell me its because of computer that I can't communicate. You're wrong. Because you never try. I don't shut myself in my own world... I open up, but you guys don't listen. So I close the door slightly. And you guys don't notice either, So i shut off completely.

I wonder which one's more cold. The rain outside, or my house. It used to be so warm, so nice... Like everytime I come home there's people to welcome me.

Now its just stone cold. Dead silent. Heartless.
And even when you do talk about me, its all about how I don't off computer, or my results. [that are not even bad]

I wanted to go to the market with you two just now. But I couldn't bear it. My heart's not that strong. The more I think about it, the more inferior I think of myself. Am I not worth your attention at all? Its not like I seek attention, but mum gives me NO attention at all. She would say all about her godson's good points [ when he is a gangster] , but all she finds on me are the bad points [ when i'm supposed to be better]. I don't get it.

If this is love, I DON'T WANT IT.

Flu, flu and more flu.
+ Mr syaban is getting funnier and funnier. Seriously cute HAHA
And...
School is finally OVER. well, as in weekends are here.
Phew.


PS : A charming man has a charming smile.

I learned that today.

Writing another story.
I'm happy that someone wants to read my stories.
This is the first time, and i'm really happy.

First love story.
Well, there are no stories of mine without any bloodshed. But this is different.
'Cause finally, my dear Lucifer arrived. I've been wanting to put him in a story but it just doesn't fit. His character must be demanding, arrogant and naughty. He is a prince of hell after all.

I'm so happy to be able to write lucifer. Hahas.

All you can bring back is what you can't leave behind.

Hiro-san , Hiro-san...

Thats nice..


hmm.. thats why its dangerous to watch love animes. This is kinda bad ~

Renge came to my house today,
truthfully, it was fun :)

'Cause I haven't really got any visits from friends since secondary school. Only once for project. So to me, today was fun.

Though I don't know whether renge liked it or not, because my house is really boring. She just watched animes with me and some other videos. And watched me play plants vs zombies. So it wasn't really interesting for her.

Finshed hunterxhunter for the 4th time. As exciting as ever. Killua rocks.
I really wanna watch the movie '9' O:
Religion game-planning for sunday; meeting today.
ah.. so busy, so busy. hahas

anyone got suggestions for games?

..mushi ka?

Now I even fear sleeping... 'Cause I used to dream of the fantasy, things that will never happen, stuffs that never existed, or the impossible. But now I dream of reality, everything, as if i'm not dreaming... Then when I wake up, I don't know whether its reality or dream anymore. I dreamt once that I woke up, but then my mum woke me up again.. And I was like... whats going on?

I thought its a one time thing, but i'm having ALL dreams that are so close to reality. My head's really messed up. Not to mention my eyes are getting blur all the time.

I hate cockroaches; insects.

Today they sprayed some repellent thingy downstairs and all the cockroaches climbed up in attempt to escape death. And my house is the highest, so they all came to my house. I was getting out of the room to get water and when I stepped out I see cockroaches EVERYWHERE. wtf. Here I'm avoiding one, then another one climbs out. I helped 3 escape by using newspaper, but that was only because they were close to the door, those other cockroaches that bothered me by climbing about and were not close to the door were killed. By me, obviously.

Hell, it terrified me. Not the killing, but the part were I had to clean up. I didn't kill them by smashing or wadever violence means, but I used some cleaning germs detergent sort of thing. Its watery, so I just squeezed the bottle on top of the cockroaches and drowned them [ or 'cause they have lots of germs so they died ]. But I can't leave them there so I took a paper spoon and scoop them up... Which was freaking terrifying cause I had to examine whether they are really dead or not. Then there was this HUGE cockroach that came running to me SO fast that I jumped to a chair, banged my leg and cried. I HAVE NO IDEA WHY I CRY BUT YEA.

Anyway, i'm still having goosebumps up till now. O:

One more day. And holidays lessons are over. HOORAY! WAN SUI! YADA!YOSHA! [lol]

.... I really should start studying..
well, play for one more week bah. HAHA.

Everyone in the world is finding something.
Something valuable to them.
Something that means a lot.
Something that cannot be replaced.

Everyone is searching for it.
But I don't know what is it.

God is playing with me.
playing.

As if having nightmares and bad days weren't bad enough. Now I can't stop crying.


Sept 6.

Mum caned me first time in years. Truthfully, it didn’t hurt as much as my heart did. But the redness in my leg shows that it does hurt…around eight times in the same spot… hell, how do I go school tml…

Seriously, I don’t know what I did wrong. I swear I’m one of the good kids compared to the world.. Just that I play the computer. Whats wrong with playing the computer for the whole day on SATURDAY? ITS SATURDAY! AND I didn’t even played at night yesterday! Which kid doesn’t play computer for more than 2hrs on Saturday? I mean if they’ve got nothing to do?!
If anyone who plays computer for more than 2hrs is addicted, THEN TELL ME SOMEONE WHO AIN'T ADDICTED.

Then you know what she said just now? She asked me to finish my holidays homework before I can on the computer. WTF? HOLIDAY HOMEWORK? ITS NOT EVEN MONDAY! ITS SUNDAY, AND YOU WANT ME TO FINISH ALL MY HOLIDAY HOMEOWRK? IS IT EVEN POSSIBLE?!

Then I quarreled with her. IT REALLY WAS UNREASONABLE. I MEAN, I PASSED MY CA2 WITH ALL EITHER A OR Bs, NO Cs AT ALL! THEN SHE STILL CAN TALK NONSENSE ABOUT MY CHINESE GETTING LOWER… WTF DOES SHE WANT? WTF DOES SHE KNOW? AND HOW TO FINISH ALL MY HOMEWORK? I’m not even a bad kid! All I do is stay at home and play computer! I finish my homework on time, no teacher ever complains about me, I passed my exams, I already fulfilled all the criteria that I’m supposed to fulfill, and even better, I’m not those kinda bad kids that smokes , or hang out until 4 pm at night, AND I’m not those kind that IS REALLY addicted to computer, up to the point where they play from 5am to 2am!

So whats the problem? I DON’T SEE A REASON TO BE SCOLDED? NEITHER AM I A BAD KID! ITS SO DAMN UNREASONABLE! I CAN SURVIVE WITHOUT A COMPUTER! THAT’S NOT THE PROBLEM HERE! ITS HER! ALL I wanted to do was to relax and on the computer for a while, and I got scolded so much? SHE’S NOT THE ONLY ONE THAT WILL GO CRAZY AND ANGRY? I WILL TOO! So I threw a cup on the floor, and it broke. I WAS REALLY ANGRY!

Then she came back with a cane and caned me. Seriously, it didn’t hurt as much as I remembered.

Honestly, if I go on getting scolded and crying every single day, I might go crazy AND blind. Wth. My eyes hurt, and I can’t breathe. Stupid asthma.


The cup wasn’t anything. I was so angry, I thought I could scratch my skin off. Thank god I don’t have long nails.

Freak. I have a bad temper, BUT I have good tolerance level, so normally, and outside, you won’t even get much of a chance to see me angry. At most, I’ll just shut up and calm myself down. But she doesn’t give me a chance to. So my temper roars up. ITS NOT EASY TO CALM IT BACK OKAY. In fact, my anger’s so scary I scare myself. Honestly, I wish she would notice this point and leave me alone.

In her eyes, I’m always the inferior one. The bad one. All the rest of the kids in this world are good. All except me. Hell, I give up.


In the end, nothing has changed.

Yea, thats right. There's an eighty percent possibility that its my fault... again.
Why do I keep creating problems for myself?
It's enough.

Come to think of it, i'm having those 'attacks' again. More and more recently. Somewhere while talking, while laughing, while looking, while thinking, i'll suddenly get those 'attacks'. It scares me. No one else feels the ground moving, the stairs sinking... except me.

Am i going crazy?
Or is there something that's gonna happen?

I don't know. I don't wanna care either.

oh and, I love his hair.

I HATE THURSDAYS. AND WITH A GOOD VALID REASON. OR REASONS.

firstly, i have to stay back for cca, despite being so damn tired, and that means I CANT EAT BECAUSE THERE'S NO VEGETARIAN AVAILABLE! And for me, food is more important than anything! wth.
second, i hate people. and just so coincidentally, my cca only ends at 6+. WHICH MEANS HELL THERE IS GONNA BE SO MUCH PEOPLE.

AND when i went in the squeezy mrt, this irritating fat guy with a huge HUGE stomach, accidently/purposely, the stomach collided with my hand. EWWWWW. He was hairy and sweaty and omfg i dont wanna think about it anymore.
And just so coincidentally again, the guy on my left is a smoker. He ain't smoking but he freaking stinks. !!! I HATE SMOKERS!!! Then the guy with the big stomach is on my right, he is facing me.... AND keeps TOUCHING his private part. WTF. TOUCH AND TOUCH AND TOUCH. I held down the impulse to turn to him and say, " OI, WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM? WTF ARE YOU TRYING TO DO?!"

zzzz then the stupid rain. My hands are holding lots of stuff, my umbrella, my file, my waterbottle and the stupid mask. zzzz Then the stupid rain made me almost fall, which in turn, made my file hit my chin in attempt to balance. THEN ONE CAR ALMOST BANG INTO ME, JUST CENTIMETERS AWAY! PLUS, the stupid traffic light take so long to turn green, and when it turned red for cars, ONE CAR STILL HAPPILY GO PASS THE RED LIGHT.

THEN people keep knocking into me, WHICH BY THIS TIME I AM ALREADY FREAKING PISSED, AND WORSE STILL, I CANT FIND A PLACE TO WALK BECAUSE EVERYWHERE THEY ARE BURNING STUFF FOR GHOSTS. WHAT, LIKE THAT LIVING HUMANS NO PLACE TO WALK LIAO AH? NO BRAINS ? WHY CANT THEY BURN IT IN THE TIN CAN, WHY MUST THEY BURN IT IN PLACES FOR PEOPLE TO WALK?!

2nd time I almost got knocked down by car. wtf. HELL.
Rain stopped suddenly. ZZZ I only open the umbrella for like 8mins?! THEN SUDDENLY STOP? THEN I OPEN FOR WHAT?!!!

ZZZ freaking pissed.
Mum came home and the first thing she did was scold me. WHAT THE HELL.

I HATE THURSDAY. NOW U KNOW WHY.

Why..
Why does everyone die?
Why does everyone leave me...
Why does everyone leave me and die..?

I'm scared.
..I can't take it anymore.
Why can't I die with them, why do they have to leave me all alone?
Why are the dead more fortunate then the ones alive?

I'm scared.
Take me away from that dream..
Wake me up!
Somebody, anybody,
Please save me.

I hate that blood stained hospital.
I hate the metallic smell of the hospital...
I hate everything about that hospital...
Why did I have to dream about it again?

Its enough.